Got Me Wonderin...

-Is there any bigger dilemma than how to best throw away a cereal box when it's finally empty? It's such a large, obtrusive, object...and it plays mind games with even the most crafty individuals. You could have a brand new garbage bag going in the kitchen. After one empty cereal box gets jammed in there, it appears as if it needs to be taken out again. Do you go through the labor-intensive practice of folding the box together 11 different ways to conserve the space? Some of us aren't strong enough to perform such a procedure. And who's to say it doesn't start unfolding once it's been tossed anyway, unfurling every which way like a peacock spreading its wings. There's also the semi-insane approach of maniacally ripping the box apart into several smaller pieces. This might work, but it comes with a price: your self respect.


-You could be in the best mood of your life. You won the lottery in the morning, got a promotion in the afternoon, discovered the meaning of life at night. One seemingly harmless event could bring you all the way back to zero. You know what I'm talking about. Walking around your kitchen in socks on a winter night when you're blindsided... and you're never the same. You just stepped in a big puddle of water because somebody decided they were "that guy" who doesn't remove the slushy, dripping shoes upon entering the home. You just went from hero to zero, in the blink of an eye. Now your socks are wet, your mood is dampened, and you pretty much want to curl up into a ball and never be seen again. If you started the day with clean socks, it's a double whammy. What do you do with the socks at the moment? Take 'em off right then and there? Now you're barefoot guy in the winter...not a solution. You can go on wearing them for spite, but you're only hurting yourself. You can try to seek out the culprit for destroying your socks, but it's not worth the trouble: nobody has ever come "clean" on this matter. With a long winter ahead in Michigan, all I can say is, "Watch Your Step." You never know when it will be your last dry one.


-I'm the kind of guy who doesn't just kowtow to the conventional way of thinking. I'm here to tell the absolute truths about all matters of national importance, so I'll just say it. Both "Major League II" and "Major League 3: Back to the Minors" were pretty damn good movies. I'll give a little leeway on the third one...some people found it reprehensible, and I understand that.

But "Major League II" was a quality piece of film. Of course you'd like to see all the original actors play the same roles, but Omar Epps stepped in as Willie Mays Hayes just fine. After all, my boy Epps has pretty much played every sport in a movie at one point or another. (Football in 'The Program,' track and field in 'Higher Learning,' basketball in 'Love and Basketball,' boxer in 'Against the Ropes') And who didn't want to see the full-length feature of that movie Willie made in the off-season with Jesse Ventura?? That looked amazing. "Black Hammer...White Lightning!"

Jake Taylor settling in perfectly as manager for the ailing Lou Brown. I left West River Theater that day wanting the Tigers to install Tom Berenger as the new skipper, effective immediately. Lord knows he could have done better than Buddy "Am I or Am I not Buck Showalter" Bell. New catcher Rube Baker might have rubbed some people the wrong way, but the guy was all about team and I respected that. This movie also gets points for giving Bob Uecker's partner, Monte, a little bit more face time. That guy did things with 8-10 lines of dialogue that I'm still in awe of. The one very, very, negative factor throughout this movie is the presence of "superfan" Randy Quaid. It pains me to say it, because I'm a Randy Quaid fan. Loved him in "Kingpin," loved him in "Bye, Bye, Love." (Yea, I said it.) But he is soooo friggggin annoying in this movie. I guess that is the point of his character, to get on people's nerves. But if his scenes make the moviegoers want to leave the cineplex and drive right off a cliff, then I think he took the character a little too far.

Quick thoughts on the 3rd "Major League." You always feel kind of dirty watching it, like you're doing something you're not supposed to. It's a little bit depressing that the movie focused on a minor league team, especially one called the "Buzz." But the scene where Uecker announces the game with perfect accuracy while blindfolded, wearing a hood over his face, is worth the price of admission. And $4.99 for the DVD.



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