Friday, August 28, 2009

Shootin' the Breeze with the High Socks Legend...


A few quick-hitters from the HSL on this cold, dim, fluorescent Friday morning...
  • Is there a better way to spend a half hour than grabbing some couch and watching the Pizza-Rama episode of "Unwrapped" on the Food Network? Yeah, I didn't think so.
  • Sure, globes are wonderful educational tools that can teach kids all about geography from a very early age. But the only thing I ever got out of those bad boys was the underrated game where you would spin it around real fast, then slowly apply pressure with your forefinger as it came to a stop, and wherever it landed was the place you would wind up living in when you grew up. It never really got old, either...
  • When you go outside in the summer with bare feet, and are walking on the blistering cement, you have approximately 12-14 seconds to find some cool grass before you will start to feel like you might die.
  • The Combos website tells you to "Grab your favorite cheesy, crunchy treat, and say good-bye to an unsatisfied hunger." While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and also wave goodbye to your self-respect, your pride, and any sense of personal dignity with which you used to live your life? I've said it once, I'll say it again. If you find yourself eating a bag of Combos in your cubicle at work, you're announcing to the world one of three things:

    1) I am depressed. I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my pet hamster and imaginary friend Snax. The only good part of my day is devouring this bag of Cheddar Cheese flavored Combos. Please don't judge me.

    2) I am suicidal. If you missed the previous warning signs (research of nearby tall buildings, repeated viewings of the movie Juwanna Mann), then watching me inhale this jumbo sized package of Zesty Salsa Tortilla Combos will tell you all you need to know.

    3) I am starving. Literally. I have not eaten solid food in over three weeks, and this small container of Pizzeria Pretzel Combos is all I had left in the pantry. But before I do this, I will recite a famous quote that I think applies here. It is from the shamed Lt. Col. Matthew Markinson in the classic film, A Few Good Men. "I want you to know that I am proud neither of what I have done nor what I am doing."
  • Am I the only one that used to always smack the tambourine in the exact wrong place during music class and wind up with a pretty severe pain shooting through the wrist/forearm area? Anybody else? No?? Alright, let's move on.
  • Yeah, I'll admit it. I have never seen Scarface. And yeah, I'll admit this, too. The movie Must Love Dogs...seen it maybe a half dozen times. I'll just leave that one right there.
  • I wonder how Meat Loaf wound up with that as his name. Maybe he was just having dinner one night, enjoying his entrĂ©e a little too much, before standing up and boldly declaring to his family, "I'm tired of just eating meatloaf. I want to be Meat Loaf." Gotta respect a man that loves a food that much to want to be named after it. I've often thought about making a similar move, but using it for the first kid I have. I just hope the other kids don't give him a hard time on the playground for being named "Macaroni."
  • You know that song where they go, "It's just another Manic Monday"?? That's the best song of all-time, right?? Yeah, that's what I thought.
  • How come everything nowadays has to come with "Resealable Packages"?? Can't some things just remain simple? I never knew opening and closing a bag of Peanut M&M's could be so complicated.
  • Growing up, sometimes "double buckling" was a necessary evil. There would be four kids to three seat belts, and two of you were gonna have to bite that bullet. But there was always that one guy way too eager to participate, scrunching up right next to you and strapping in tight for what was most likely the ride of his life. The best part about getting older was not the opportunity to get your own driver's license. It was the knowledge that you were breaking free from the possibility of being placed in "Double-Buckle Prison." The carpool hell where two enter, and more often than not, only one survives...

The High Socks Legend can be reached at highsockslegend@gmail.com

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