Out Of My Mind...

Sometimes you go to the well of ideas for the next 2,500 word piece and nothing really jumps out at you. The world does not need another "here's how to fix the BCS" article. The "Lions Road to 16 Losses" stories are so played right now (I'm looking at you, Michael Rosenberg) that I think the Free Press could just re-print the same front page article every day and nobody would bat an eye. Was contemplating the inevitable 35-paragraph breakdown of the Bruce Willis masterpiece "Striking Distance," but that really can't be forced. So in lieu of all that, here are a few things that have been trickling through my mind of late...

Cheese Sticks...Just Keep Doin What You're Doin

As I sit here on a cold, snow-filled, Michigan winter night, I search for the right words to describe this life-changing appetizer. Cheese sticks have done so much for the world and humanity itself. Ever been pretty hungry at lunch, but you feel like that tuna melt and fries aint gonna cut it?? What`s always there for you?? A big group out to dinner in search of the perfect "appetizer we can all share"?? Cheese Sticks shows up again, and it just flat gets the job done. You're under so much pressure, Sticks, and you come through every time.

I know it must be real hard to have that sizzling cheese inside you while a crisp breading is attached to your body. But you withstand it for the pure love of your customers, and I'm here to say "Thanks, fellas." Yea, sometimes your cheese might flow out a little too much and we're left with an empty fried stick, but hey, nobody's perfect and we totally understand. Hey, I dip that empty stick in the Marinara and I'm a happy guy, anyway. Name me another appetizer that can flawlessly interchange the end of its spelling with a simple "X" and get away with it. Admit it, it's just a little more fun when it shows up as "Cheese Stix" on the menu.

Truthfully though, I just want you guys to know how much we appreciate all that you do. Potato Skins, Chips and Salsa, and the depressing new "it" item, Lettuce Wraps, have all tried their best to be the appetizer of our dreams. But only one can lay claim to that immortal shrine: it's you, Cheese Sticks. And for that, we are forever grateful.

(Note to all establishments serving this timeless classic: enough with the bed of lettuce underneath the Cheese Sticks. It's highly inappropriate. The lettuce is usually wet and it's always that weird kind of lettuce where you're not even sure if it's edible. This can ruin the whole experience for me, so please refrain from this unlawful procedure in the future. All of America thanks you.)


Worst Birthday Present of All-Time...Hands Down

There is no debate on this...the worst birthday present ever handed out was 'The Game' that Sean Penn gave to Michael Douglas in the highly underrated 1997 thriller "The Game." I mean, who wants a gift certificate to Circuit City or a new Polo shirt when you can have your own 'Game,' replete with traumatic events of your childhood being re-lived and several near-death experiences?!? Sounds like a blast!

No need to recap the entire film, as everybody has seen it. Briefly, the whole movie centers on Connie (Sean Penn) buying older brother Nicholas (Michael Douglas) this "Game." The game in question consists of a number of hired actors royally screwing up Douglas' life at every turn, threatening his life numerous times, all while he basically has no idea why/how any of this is happening. Of course, there's the classic staple of "all money in bank account is now gone in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason." (Also seen in various forms in Changing Lanes, Enemy of the State, and Unlawful Entry) The movie borders on terrifying and hilarious. Terrifying when people from the Game put on a stunt to mimic his father's suicide. Hilarious when Douglas returns home one night, only to be greeted by a sign simply reading, "Welcome Home, Di#*face." The movie finally culminates when Nicholas leaps off a building, intending to kill himself, only to drop through some breakaway glass onto a giant target and into his perfectly planned birthday party. With my birthday approaching in January, I will be reminding all those around me that the only "Game" I want for the big day is one that involves Reverses, Skips, and Draw Fours.

(We all know how girls can be in selecting movies. Whether it's renting or going to see one at the theater, many females are only comfortable seeing something with the words "Music" or "Lyrics" in the title. Perfect example is my girlfriend Emily. REFUSES to see anything with any hint of action or adventure. I think one weekend we might have seen "Devil Wears Prada" and "Waitress" back-to-back...I'm pretty sure I blacked out at some point. (I think it was during the scene in 'Waitress' when Keri Russell gets yelled at by her husband...oh right, that was the whole movie.) You get the point...any bullets, explosions, or things that "will give me nightmares" is off-limits with my Emmy. Well, I get a call from her one night after she finished watching a movie with some guy friend of hers. I ask her what they watched, expecting to hear something "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" related.

"We watched 'THE GAME'!! It was pretty good!!" she tells me.

I know it's good...damn! After months of chick flicks and Sex and the City re-runs, I found out she finally gave in and watched a "scary" movie, and I wasn't even part of the equation! Talk about one dude warming up the slot machine, and another brother swooping in, pulling the lever, and hitting the jackpot. Not that I'm still bitter or anything...)


Will Tyler Hansbrough wear the Double Zero as a Tribute to his Hero?

When I close my eyes, I can almost picture this exact scene. Eric Montross, laying on his couch in podunk, North Carolina...frozen Tombstone 'Za cooking in the oven, half-full Keystone Light in his hand...watching Tyler Hansbrough on TV with a big grin on his face, thinking, "Enjoy it now, Big Fella. Within 4 years, you'll be averaging 4 points and 3 boards, traded twice, and announcers will only bother mentioning you so as to point out 'there's another 6 fouls to use on Dwight Howard.'" In other words, Tyler, enjoy this Senior season as much as possible.

Who's Got Next??

For all of us non-professional athletes out there, the world of pickup games is where we find our home. But despite the multitude of options at our disposal, one sport will always reign supreme.

Baseball is a hell of a game, but try rounding up 15-16 other guys to join you on a random summer afternoon. Not happening...unless you happen to be reading this from 1963.

Football is always a possibility, but there's always that one guy who insists "Let's play tackle!" and ruins it for everybody else. Thanks, dude.

I guess there's hockey, but unless you're friends with either Wayne Campbell or Russ Tyler, you aint finding a decent game.

Pickup basketball is, and always will be, the go-to sport for us amateurs. You just grab your Sneaks, maybe a buddy or two, head to the court, and you could be in a real-life game in mere moments. However, once you step out on that court, the possibilities are endless...and that's not always a good thing. Let's delve deeper...


The Girl: Ok, we get it. You are a girl. That likes to play basketball. With guys. We are not impressed. At all. As a matter of fact, and I think I'm safely speaking for all other guys on the planet here...we despise you. Now you might think my main gripe is with the skill level of aforementioned chick baller. Not the case at all. Don't get me wrong, they are usually awful. AWFUL. Won't take a shot...can't make one if they do.

But hey, I've played with plenty of bad ballplayers before. That's not the worst thing about this "player." The absolute worst thing about going against them is that while we gentlemen take to the court with our perfectly normal human hands, the females in question have decided they would like to compete in our games with fingernails that would make Edward Scissorhands jealous. Seriously ladies, what are you doing before heading out to the gym? Going to your manicurist, sitting in the chair, and proclaiming, "Just make em as long and sharp as humanly possible." Why not just go the whole 9 yards and replace your hands with actual hooks? It would probably help your shooting percentage.

Now I know full well when I go out to play basketball, I might roll an ankle or take a stray elbow. Part of the game. But nowhere in my contract did I see anything about getting scratched and clawed, usually to the point of drawing blood. If there's that much contact and it's getting that physical with a girl, I usually expect to be a LOT happier when it's all over.


Sweatshirt Guy: Obviously, we are all aware that when stepping onto the court for a little roundball, our heart rate will go up and a workout will be had. The game requires you to run and jump. These activities in turn naturally produce some perspiration, or in the case of my brother Sam, a LOT of perspiration. Which makes this "Sweatshirt Guy" character all the more puzzling.

This is a game already jammed with movement and exercise. There is no need for you to try and burn those extra 35 calories by stuffing yourself into some horrible sweatshirt just so you can "get a real good sweat goin." And does your sweatshirt ALWAYS have to be gray? Do you take some kind of sick pride in your treasured hoodie being divided into two distinct halves? One, the original gray color you started with...the other, now a much darker, sadder shade of gray, swimming in your sweat for all the world to see. I'm not bagging on guys for sweating...that's a natural part of playin the game. But why do everything in your power to be as hot and uncomfortable as possible? "Sweatshirt Guy" on the basketball court is the same as the dude getting ready to step on a plane for a 6-hour flight wearing a turtle neck, tight jeans, and high heels...it's wrong in a lot of ways, and we're all a little bit scared of you.

(PS...there is one exception to the "Sweatshirt Guy" rule. This being that the sweatshirt in question is one of those that says, "Basketball is Life...the Rest is Just Details" with the basketball sitting on a stack of books. Only exception.)


Guy who is Too Tall- Most pickup basketball games that I've been a part of usually consist of a bunch of guys ranging not only in skill, but in height. You might get an Earl Boykins (5'5) checking in...couple of Chris Paul 6-footers, maybe a few in that Ben Gordon-Gary Payton (6'3-6'4) territory. All well and good. Split up the teams, let's dance. But nope, wait a second...here comes that big, lanky, pseudo 7-footer lookin like Jonathan Bender, loping into the gym to take all the fun out of the day. (And with the way Bender's NBA "career" fizzled, it probably is him joining your game)

I think there's got to be a rule enacted to prevent these walking Redwoods from disrupting the sanctity of our competitions. If you're over 6'6, you must bring a friend with you of equal or greater height. That way, you mooks can spend the afternoon bouncing off one another and none of us get caught in the crossfire. How lame is it when you have a bunch of guys around the same vertical limit, and there's one monster 8 inches taller camped under the rim all day collecting offensive boards by the dozen? With this "buddy system," we will not have this problem and you beanpoles can keep playing peacefully without all of us resenting your presence and wishing horrible thoughts on you. Glad we got that settled.


"Let's Play Zone" Guy: Jim Boeheim...John Chaney...Jerry Tarkanian...all men experienced in teaching and executing a legitimate zone defense. Then there is you, 'Zone Guy.' You've decided that checking your opponent one-on-one is now out of the question. Instead, you have chosen to focus your energies on convincing everyone else on your squad to "go zone." This has never worked out in the history of pickup basketball games. What ends up happening is the two shortest guys go stand near the top of the key, one on each elbow, and the three other guys roam aimlessly from the paint to the corner. Boxing out becomes optional. Open shots are handed out like free samples at Costco.

It's never been a good idea, and it never will be. Part of the honor in pickup ball is matching up with somebody at the beginning of the game and trying to shut that guy down. Suggesting the switch to Zone D is embarrassing for you...and your family.


Guy That Can't just Check the Ball like a Normal Human Being:
Checking the ball before putting it in play is a simple exercise. I have the ball at the top of the key. I toss it you. You give it back. The sequence is done, the game continues, and the Earth keeps rotating. But this guy finds the whole situation too much to handle.

The pass back and forth should not be a complicated exchange. Either a soft chest pass, maybe an underhand flip, or a bounce pass are all excellent options. But this guy takes it as his opportunity to show the world that he can pass the ball with a huge amount of English, getting it back to you with more sidespin than a Joakim Noah free throw. And what about the guy who, before checking it back to you, decides he needs to turn around and make sure every single player on his team is in perfect guarding position for the upcoming possession? Yo Dog...it's a bunch of hacks at the JCC, 8:00 on a Tuesday morning...just hand me the rock.

The worst example I can remember of bad "checking" etiquette was sometime in the winter of 1994. Me and my boy B-Shoke were playin a little two-on-two with a couple guys. B checks the ball to one of these hooligans, and the dude KICKS it back. Seriously. This Sean Landeta wannabe drops the ball and swings his foot forward, sending the ball catapulting forward from two and a half feet away. Not expecting this, my boy can't catch the ball, but just gets his hands up in time for it to crack one of his fingers. Bad, bad times. Thanks, Checking Guy...you have a permanent place in the Hall of Fame of Annoying Pickup Players.


Guy that Just Finished Lifting: Forty-five minutes have gone by...and you, sir, have not come close to making a shot. You have thrown up a nauseating assortment of air balls, bricks, and those shots that get lodged between the rim and the backboard. But wait...you have a perfect explanation for this sickening display of inaccuracy. "I just finished lifting." Lifting what, exactly...an elephant?

Couple rules when you step out on the court: take your watch off so you don't cut me worse than the girl mentioned before...and no excuses when you play like garbage. I admit, trying to shoot the ball immediately after working out can be scary for a few minutes. Takes a little bit for your body to find itself, see how hard you need to be shooting the ball. But when we've been out here an hour and you're still flinging bricks around like Kevin McCallister at the end of 'Home Alone 2,' it's not the lifting. It's just you...you're horrible. So why don't you do Dr. James Naismith and the rest of us a favor? Stop playing this beautiful game, and trek it back to the weight room for another set of Lat Pull Downs. We'll all be better off.


Guy that Always Wants to Play 21: Sometimes it just so happens that you can only round up a couple other guys to head to the court with ya, and then nobody else is there. The dreaded 'Group of 3.' In my opinion, the best option for that day is to just chalk it up and shoot around. Some 3-point shooting contests, take some free throws, maybe a little H-O-R-S-E. Anything but 21. Who doesn't hate that game? I've heard of one-on-one...I've never heard of one-on-one-on-one. I got a lot of problems with this "game."

First off, the rules. There are approximately 986 different sets of rules to 21. Some shoot free throws after a bucket, some shoot threes...some guys have a tip-in take you back to zero, some play with no tips at all. A lot of times, when playing with guys you haven't played with before, you spend more time discussing the game setup than actually playing. It's like when I used to play 'NBA Live 2000' for N-64...had to go in the Game Options before I even played to take down the "automatic replays" meter or else I'd be looking at slo-mos of every Big Country Reeves lay-in for the next 90 minutes. Not sure how good that comparison was...but any excuse to mention Bryant Reeves, I'm running with it.

Second, the game usually develops into two of the guys playing tough D on each other while the 3rd guy just sits under the basket and gets the board. Has this ever not happened?

Last, and certainly not least, keeping score in this game could not possibly be shadier. After a guy hits a bucket later in the game, someone asks "Uh, what does that give you?" The guy kinda tilts his head to the side, like he's actually adding up his points, then arbitrarily says, "Yea, that's 19." It's too hard keeping track of the score for all the guys in the game. At some point, it's not even about who can score 21 points first; it's just about who can "announce" they got 21 first.


Guy that is WAY too Quick in Suggesting "Let's Go Shirts and Skins":
Everybody understands that in a pickup game, nobody's wearing uniforms. You try and familiarize yourself with your teammates before the game to the best of your ability. Hopefully, during the game, you don't slip up and accidentally throw it someone on the other squad. If you do, no big deal. Price of playing with a bunch of guys you've never met before. (And I don't even want to get started on the guy who calls for the ball intentionally when you're not on his team...this is the lowest form of life on the planet) But making an occasional turnover is in no way, shape, or form, reason enough for "Shirts and Skins" guy to bust out this ancient suggestion.

Nobody liked playing Shirts and Skins growing up. Did anybody really prefer to play on the skins team? I wasn't the strongest guy among my friends...not that I couldn't play the game, but I was not exactly Karl Malone physically. I'm still convinced I might have made my freshman high school basketball team if not for a scrimmage towards the end of try-outs when I had to shed my garment and reveal a muscular definition similar to that of Kerry Kittles (or maybe even Kerry Kittles' sister). Not that I'm still bitter or anything.

It's not even the suggestion by "Shirts and Skins Guy." It's how alarmingly quick he makes that suggestion. Just get finished choosing up sides, haven't even shot for ball yet...man is already yelping, "Hey, we'll be Skins!" as he rips off his Under Armour gear and throws it on the bleachers. Exactly how badly do you want to see everyone else's chest, Sir? No wait, don't answer that.


Feel free to post your own "pickup ball guys" in the comments section...or shoot me an email with your thoughts at highsockslegend@gmail.com

THE "REEL" DREAM TEAM

There has always been a special connection between basketball and the movies. There are the classics that everyone has seen like "Hoosiers." There are also those that fell under the radar like the vastly underrated "Above the Rim." Each of the movies usually contains one player on the team that stands out from the rest. But what would a team look like if you combined the best hoopers from all the basketball flicks? With the beginning of the NBA regular season mere weeks away, let's take a look at that historic roster.

(Note: To make this team different than most other people's 'Movie Basketball Squads,' no actual NBA players will be making the cut. Apologies to Shaq and Penny in "Blue Chips," Ray Allen from "He Got Game," and last but most definitely not least, Greg Ostertag from "Eddie.")

STARTING FIVE

Center- SALEH (The Air Up There)

You cannot go wrong with the big fella, Saleh, at the center spot. Talk about an intimidating presence in the middle. Saleh was such an intriguing prospect that Coach Jimmy Dolan (played flawlessly by Kevin Bacon) flew to Africa to check him out after seeing about 3 highlights of him playing against a couple teenage girls. Presumably about 8 feet tall, Saleh is the complete package at the center position.

People can talk all they want about the old Lakers-Celtics battles. You can have your Duke-North Carolina wars. My boy Saleh competed in possibly the most emotional basketball game of all-time, the battle between Saleh's Winabi tribe and the rival Mingori crew. In that game, he blocked approximately 27 shots and his time management and subsequent bucket on the last possession is something to behold. With Winabi needing a score and the clock ticking under 3 seconds, Saleh was still calmly explaining the "Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake" to his defender. Proving all the doubters wrong, Saleh miraculously managed to drive for the winning quadruple-pump slam dunk just before the clock expired, defying the very rules of gravity, physics, and time along the way.


Power Forward- CHUBBY (Teen Wolf)

Listen to me closely. There is no way...NO WAY in the world that the Michael J. Fox led Beacontown High Beavers make the monumental comeback in that final game if not for the unmeasurable contributions from our boy Chubby.

Big fella's estimated stats in that historic championship performance.
9 Points
26 Rebounds
38 backbreaking, bone-crunching screens

A prototypical power forward listed at 5'7 and 330 pounds, he redefined the way the position is played. He also dealt a most serious blow to the "short shorts" movement with his Daisy Dukes from which it could never recover. While earlier in the season Chubs could be seen eating a big ole sandwich WHILE on the court, he came to play for the finale.

I remember thinking when I first saw "Teen Wolf," how in the world can the Beavers possibly come back when they lost by 59 points to the same squad earlier in the year and our boy Scott Howard has decided not to "wolf out" for the final game? The answer was found in a very simple play call. Ran on 96% of their possessions in the 2nd half, Scott would start dribbling to the right while picking up an Earth-Shattering pick from Chubby, resulting in an uncontested layup every single time. How the other team never brought weak-side help to try and make him dish to a shooter is something I will never understand. Michael J. Fox also set a record in that game by becoming the first player to score over 40 points without ever once dribbling the ball with his left hand.

So as to remain objective, I must point out that the Big Fella was also the worst defender on the court at all times. He got beat down the court routinely while also falling prey anytime his man decided to shoot a fadeaway since he was not capable of leaving the floor himself to challenge the shot. And in one of the more shocking career moves in history, Chubby went on to play the role of John Wayne Gacy, the serial-killing clown from the 1970's, in the 2003 biopic.

While Chubby had his shortcomings on the defensive end and could have possibly used a better agent later in his career, his unforgettable performance in that final game left all moviegoers thinking the same thing when they left the theater. "I'm gonna tell my grandkids about this game someday."


Small Forward- BILLY HOYLE (White Men Can't Jump)

Simply put, the starting small forward for our group is one of the coolest and most frustrating movie characters of all-time. In Billy's best moments, he was hustling Venice Beach's best with lights-out shooting displays with the trash talk to back it up. At his worst, he was making ridiculous bets based solely on his non-existent vertical leap knowing full well Rosie Perez was gonna have his arse when he got home.

Billy has the kind of all-around game and unselfishness that makes him the kind of guy you love to play with. Despite his shortcomings athletically, Billy's got a nice mid-range jumper and the ability to get easy buckets through savvy backdoor cuts. And the word "clutch" almost doesn't do Billy justice. How about that hook shot from three-quarters court to the "Sudan" basket to win Gloria a spot on Jeopardy? That's right up there with Jerry West's buzzer-beating 60-footer against the Knicks in the 1970 Finals. All this is what made Billy losing his tournament money on that slam-dunk bet so hard to watch. Anyone watching the movie knew that Billy carried Sidney on his back for that tournament and now he had nothing to show for it.

And I'd be remiss to talk about the great Billy Hoyle without mentioning his A+ material when it comes to trash talking. ("What are you, the black zorro?" and "Why don't we take all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless, so maybe your mother will have a place to stay.")

I just can't picture anyone else playing that part other than Woody Harrelson. Imagine D.B. Sweeney or Christian Slater trying to pull it off...yeah, exactly. The perfect actor in his most perfect role, and the perfect selection as the Small Forward on our Dream Team.


Shooting Guard- TOM "SHEP" SHEPHERD (Above the Rim)

What is the definition of overcoming adversity? I would say it goes something like this.

1. See your best friend plunge to his death after somehow deciding it was a good idea to have a backboard-slapping contest on the roof of a building.
2. Come back to town, where your brother is now the resident "town bad guy and drug dealer."
3. Enter the biggest game of your life having practiced minimally in the years preceding, and doing so making shadow-moves without the use of an actual basketball.
4. Then try and lead your squad to a comeback victory at the age of 40 while arriving to the court in the middle of the game, wearing long pants AND long sleeves, all with your thug brother coaching the other team repeatedly screaming to his players, "F#*K HIM UP!"

Doesn't seem humanly possible, does it? Our boy Shep defies the odds and even manages step in front of a bullet intended for his protege Kyle Watson before it's all said and done.
Shep had what might have been the best single game performance from this whole list. He made 100% of his field goal attempts (though the game was played with the most forgiving rims outside those in my old Forest Elementary gym), took some of the worst cheap shots this side of Karl Malone, managed to free himself for a million wide open looks down the stretch despite being the only guy scoring for his team, and stealing the ball with his team down 1 with just seconds left to feed Kyle for the game winning alley-oop. Then to cap it off, following the game, Birdie (great performance by Tupac) has one of his boys try and shoot Kyle for earlier abandoning his team, only to see Shep heroically step in front of the bullet and save Kyle's life.
Shep is a wonderful 2-guard for our team coming from this very underrated basketball movie. You never really hear a lot about it, but it really is a terrific sports flick with solid performances by a number of actors.

(Other thoughts from the movie. Has there ever been a more out-of-place character in a movie than the big, white, blond-haired center on Shep and Kyle's team? How many shot attempts do you think he got a game? Who in the world was he hanging out with to grab a bite after practice? And what were the odds that he had a life-size poster of Cherokee Parks up in his trailer when they were shooting the movie for "inspiration"?)


Point Guard- KENNY TYLER (The 6th Man)

A lot of people are mistaken in thinking that the 1997 NCAA Basketball champions were the Arizona Wildcats. They might remember Miles Simon, Mike Bibby and those boys getting Lute Olson his first championship. INCORRECT. The REAL national title winners that year were the Washington Huskies, led by the living and dead brother combination of Kenny and Antoine Tyler.

Kenny, with an Oscar-worthy turn by Marlon Wayans, runs the point for the Huskies and is aided on the court by the ghost of his playmaking older bro. What are you trying to say...this movie is not unrealistic at all. Marlon Wayans looks pretty respectable as a hooper in the movie. And so as to follow the predisposed formula set forth by all sports movies, Kenny led his team in their final run without the unfair advantage of having a ghost help their team. This is a common move in sports movies. If a team has been receiving some kind of unfair or supernatural advantage during the film, usually they must achieve their ultimate goal by playing fair. (Others that come to mind are "Ladybugs," "Angels in the Outfield," "Teen Wolf," and "Rookie of the Year.")

Marlon Wayans has come a long way in this movie since his embarrasing ball-handling display during the previously mentioned "Above the Rim." In this movie, his turnovers are down and I trust him to run the point for my Silver Screen All-Stars.

BENCH

JAKE SHUTTLESWORTH (He Got Game)

What better player to bring off the bench than this crafty forward who is basically Mark Aguirre with more intensity and a tether attached to his ankle? Jake (Denzel) is Ray Allen's dad in the movie, and actually makes the NBA star work for the victory in the film's climactic scene. A few reasons why Jake is a great selection for our squad.

1. He made like 25 straight jumpers in the prison yard near the beginning of the movie.
2. He's got a real high release on his J, which means you aint blockin his shot...and even if you could, I don't think you would want to, anyway.
3. A lot of people only remember that final scene when grown up Jesus beats up on his dad in that deciding game of 1-on-1. Well what about their little battles earlier in the movie when the in-his-prime Jake absolutely wiped the court with 9-year old Ray Allen. Lil Fella couldn't even get a shot up against Denzel, not to mention he stalked off like a loser after throwing the ball over the fence to end the night.
4. You gotta appreciate his dedication to the game when he has limited funds to work with on his short release from prison, and he spends a large chunk of it to get the new Jordans. I always liked that scene in the shoe store. ("My brother's got the same arthritic condition.")

KEVIN FRANKLIN (Houseguest)

There was a time there from about 1994-95 where Sinbad was probably the funniest man on the face of the Earth. He makes this team because of his absolute domination of a 2-on-5 pickup game where his only help was a loser 11-year old who thought he was Dan Majerle when he was really more like John Crotty. Sinbad shows nimble footwork and incredible leaping ability for a man of his stature, registering some sick highlight dunks that reminded me and many others in the theater that day of a young Kenny "Sky" Walker. Instead of playing for money, Sinbad and his boy win the game and therefore get to have the clothes off the backs of the guys they just beat. This always struck me as one of the more curious decisions in basketball history.

(Note: Do you think Sinbad and Mark Curry are friends?? They should be. They basically had the same life. Hit their career high points somewhere toward the mid 90's, played some hoop, tried finding other roles for a couple more years, only to never be heard from again. I can picture their conversations as they kick back to re-runs of A Different World and Hangin with Mr. Cooper.)

Sinbad: You believe all these movies Will Smith keep gettin? The boy aint funny!
Mark Curry: Man, I know! He couldn't carry my jockstrap! I played 2-on-2 with Billy Owens!!

Then they both get up to go answer the knock on the door, because Cole and Tommy from "Martin" are coming to join the "We used to be pretty sweet" party. Admit it, you could picture that whole scene, too.

Head Coach- PETE BELL (Blue Chips)

Yes, I know. Basically anytime you think of a coach from a basketball movie, everyone goes with the great Norman Dale from "Hoosiers." Well I'm going a different way with the fiery mastermind from Western University, Coach Pete Bell. Who else could have recruitecd arguably the top 3 prep prospects in the same year, albeit with so much cheating going on that Jerry Tarkanian would probably have been offended by Coach Bell's recruiting strategies.

I like a coach with a little craziness to him, and Nick Nolte's Pete Bell has got that. In one instant, he is throwing Ricky Roe out of the locker room and off the team for informing the coaching staff that he could be "theirs for $30,000." A short time later, we see a gym bag being delivered to Ricky with said cash, enticing him to come back to school. Way to hold your ground, Coach.

It seems like Nolte gave like 25 great speeches throughout this movie. There was the emotional scene with Tony when he found out about the point-shaving scandal. And his speech in the final press conference after being hounded relentlessly by Al Bundy the whole movie was excellent.

When I try to think of a coach who could handle all the different personalities and skill sets of the team that's been created, Pete Bell seems to be the right guy for the job. And if he can't get them to play together, he can always go with his old stand-by and offer brand new tractors to Jimmy Chitwood and all the Hickory boys to get them to come out of retirement and the team wouldn't miss a beat.


THE 1992 BARCELONA Dream Team might have had surefire Hall-of-Famers like Bird, Jordan, Magic, and Barkley. They might have had "Daddy Rich" Chuck Daly roaming the sidelines. But I'll tell you what. You give me a team with the raw talent of Saleh, the ever-expanding waistline of Chubby, the hustle of Billy Hoyle, the cold-blooded stare of Shep, the out-of-body ability of Kenny Tyler, and the cunning ways of Coach Petey Bell, and we'll take you on ANY day of the week. Just make sure the game is in Winabi.



Email me your thoughts and starting lineups at highsockslegend@gmail.com

Our Time Will Come...

I must have rented it 50 times.

Any time my parents would pack me and my three brothers into the minivan for a trip to BlockBuster, it was an adventure. We knew the rules. Each kid was allowed one rental. We had to be ready with our selection within 20 minutes. (Though that rarely was the case) There was the constant inner-battle of "do I go for a movie or a video game?" These were big decisions for a 7-year old. But then came the answer. Perched on the 2nd shelf of the "Sports" section was a title called The Boys of Zimmer. Immediately, I looked behind the box to confirm that was in stock. Yessir...I had found my rental. For the next million visits.

Looking back, it was probably the most influential piece of cinema of all-time. I would spend the week with Boys of Zimmer watching it over and over again. I could not get enough. Jerome Walton seemed like a superhero when they played the montage of his 30-game hitting streak. Les Lancaster was made to look like a modern-day Christy Mathewson. I learned that Shawon Dunston had an arm on the left side of his body and an actual bazooka on the right. And then there was the skipper, Don Zimmer, the only man on Earth gutsy enough to call for the hit-and-run with the bases loaded. If all that wasn't enough to make a little 45-pound kid a Cubs fan for life, they hit you with the marvelous tune, "Cubbies Are Rockin." It's been about 18 years since that first rental, but the lyrics are still fresh as ever in my mind.

Walton and Smith, man they got speed,
With Sandberg and Grace, what more do we need?!?

The end of that video never changed, though. Much like the Dodgers did a week ago, the Giants stormed into Wrigley Field for that 1989 NLCS and stole Game 1. I grew up associating Will Clark with all that is evil. I knew that there was a special place reserved in Hell for those people that dared mess with my heroes. Master Shredder for trying to defeat the Ninja Turtles...Andre the Giant and anyone else who did bodily harm to Hulk Hogan...and Will Clark, for becoming the first player in baseball history to knock in over 40 runs in one playoff series. (Or at least the video made it seem that way) The music that accompanied Robby Thompson's backbreaking home run in game 3 was enough to make the strongest Cubs fan cry.

(On a sidenote, the similarities are eerie in regard to those playoff openers. In '89, the Cubs trailed by one run in the 4th when SF first sacker Will Clark came up with the bases loaded and 2 outs. If Maddux retires him, who knows how that game unfolds? And for that matter, the series as well. All Cub fans know, however, that Clark was most definitely not retired. Instead, he hit a ball so high and so far that even today when I go outside to get the paper in the morning, I worry that the ball will return to orbit and smack me in the head. Almost two decades later, and the script remains the same. The Cubs are in control of the opener, leading by two, when LA first sacker James Loney sauntered up to the plate in the 5th with the bases loaded and 2 outs. Dempster delivers, Loney deposits...game, set, and match.)

But one thing I will never shake is the feeling that would come over me when "The Boys of Zimmer" was winding down to its final moments. I'd seen the video countless times before and knew exactly how it was going to end. But somehow, when the Cubs began making a little charge in the 9th inning of that last game, I found myself hoping it would end differently. After all, the narrator even seemed to be getting excited with Ryno coming to bat and the tying run in scoring position. But it wasn't to be. Sandberg rolled one over to second and the season was over. I've still never seen a player run harder on a routine ground ball than Sandberg did on that bouncer to Thompson.

I guess that blind hope is what keeps us Cubs fans coming back each day and each year wishing the final result will be different this time around. There is a reason I continued to rent that worn out videotape time after time. (And eventually just bought for $5.00 from the store, since the fine folks at BlockBuster acknowledged that not one other soul had ever rented the masterpiece in 10 years.) I knew those '89 Cubbies were not going to wind up as World Series champions, but I still found myself on the edge of my seat when Sanderg strode to the dish in that fateful 9th. It's the same old story today. With each new year, it remains highly unlikely that the Cubs will finally break through and hoist that trophy. After all it has been 100 (soon to be 101) years. My allegiances aren't going anywhere, though. I'm a Cubs fan. I'm the guy who once told all my buddies at elementary school that Rick Wilkins will go on to become the best catcher in history and shatter all of Johnny Bench's records. I convinced myself after watching Amaury Telemaco's first start that we had the next Juan Marichal on our hands. I am still confident these predictions will one day come to fruition.

Our time will come. As Cubs fans, there is something inside all of us that will not allow us to stop believing. As for me, I'm gonna go pop in 'Boys of Zimmer'...maybe Sandberg will hit a homer this time.


Email me at highsockslegend@gmail.com