Friday, May 8, 2009

Time to Put my Thinking Cap On...


Man, how irritating are those employees at Best Buy, just staring you down waiting to make eye contact?? Once they lock on, you're done; they're already making a bee-line right at you to throw out the obligatory, "Is there anything I can help you with?" Yea, I'm really lost here trying to find a movie when they are all in ALPHABETICAL ORDER. I think there is only one solution to this problem. Every time I know I'm going to Best Buy, I'll grab a sword or an axe or something from the attic, then head on in. Think I'll have my fair share of privacy shopping with this method.

Why is the salmon so special that it gets its own color named after it? I mean, why can’t trout have a color named after it too? People say it wouldn’t work because trout doesn’t have a distinct color. I say, “Yea, it’s TROUT!”

Some people are starting to take way too much credit for these store bought birthday cards? They buy this card with all these beautiful, poetic, statements…"you’re the wind beneath my wings," "your love makes my heart melt like butter." All of these sweet words were clearly penned by Hallmark, but then at the bottom, they add the finishing touch with the all-important, "Love, Bruce." “Yep, I wrote allll that…it was ALL me. The poem might be typed out perfectly, and my handwriting is nowhere to be found, and there's a price tag still on the back of the card, but trust me, I came up with it!” Is the girl supposed to be like, “OH MY GOD…I can’t believe you feel that way! What a beautiful card…oh, you are so amazing! How did I get so lucky?!?” Stop takin' credit for all these heartfelt poems that you probably couldn't read...let alone write.

You ever realize the way that the pizza delivery guy says goodbye is directly related to the tip you gave him? You give him 2 or 3 bucks, and he'll toss out an uber-friendly, “Now you have a nice night and take it easy. Hey, enjoy that Za!” On the other hand, you throw 70-80 cents his way, he counts the money, realizes what you gave him, and turns and walks away with tears welling up in his eyes. You try to make it better by yelling out, “Drive Safe!,” but by then he’s already started the car and is halfway to pizza suicide.

Alright, is anyone else absolutely perplexed any time you get out of the shower and cannot figure out which side of the towel is the one to dry off with?? You've got these solid blue or red or whatever color towels, and somehow the tag on the inside has been removed over the years. You start searching on every corner of the towel for some kind of identifier, but it’s the same material everywhere. I spend so much time trying to figure out which is the right side that I’ve air dried completely by the time I make a decision. And no, I have zero idea what I just wrote.

I love the movie King Kong. Only one thing I can’t seem to figure out. The girl loves King Kong and she’s so sad when he gets killed on the Empire State Building. I get that. I always end up feeling pretty sad because they seemed like perfect soul mates. But then I think, "what exactly was the 'endgame' there?" I mean, were they gonna get married and start a family?? I always feel bad for them that they can’t be together, but what in the world does “be together” mean?? Dude is like a 50,000 pound ape with very little means in the way of communcations. What was the best case scenario for the "couple"? Was Big Fella supposed to get a little desk job on the Upper West Side while she took care of their "half man-half giant gorilla kids" at home? And I could never really figure out how the "sleeping situation" would work out. I would venture to say the King would need his own personal quarters, but that's got to affect the overall intimacy level in their relationship. Maybe it's best off for everyone that he got shot down off that building. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent 30-40 hours in the last couple years trying to think of a better solution...

Shaving…you just can’t get away from it. I often wish I could just shave for like 72 straight hours on a day in early January and then not have to do it again for the rest of the year. But noooo, you gotta do it every damn day! If I wanna build a deck, I can cut out a weekend, work my tail off, and BAM…I got a new deck! I’m done working on that deck. For good. But shaving is a never-ending process. It's not really fair, though. A girl might go a few weeks without shaving her legs. But who's to know?? She throws on a pair of jeans every day and her secret is safe. Us guys don't have this same option. The face is exposed to society at least 80% of the time. We can't just be like, “Screw this. I’m not gonna shave for the next three months. And nobody will know because I will just wear this ski-mask every day!!”

You ever wake up before your alarm goes off, but forget to turn it off? Man, when that thing starts blasting and you’re already ACTUALLY awake and up, it scares the living bejeezus out of you. I know from experience, dude...

Had this one friend when I was younger...I'd go over to his house, we'd play video games, action figures, stuff like that. Just one problem with this kid…he was not very smart. Noticed one day when we were playin' that he had one of the Berenstain Bears books laying around. I think it was 'Too Much Junk Food.' Fine, no crime there. It's an excellent series of books. Maybe the best of all-time. One problem…homeboy had a frickin bookmark stickin' out of one of the pages. Who in their right mind doesn't finish a Berenstain Bears book in one sitting? Not only are the books extremely short, but how do you just put the story down with so much left in the balance? Are they gonna stop eating the junk food, or will this problem finally be the one that takes down the whole Bear family? I will never know how this kid got through the day not knowing how these books finished. And what is with these 'Bears' anyway? It always seemed like they couldn't figure out if they were bears or humans. I mean, even though they were wearing the same darn clothes day after day after day, at least they're wearing something. That tends to say human. But then they never put on any shoes. That's kind of bear-like behavior. And yeah, they lived in a house, but it was a tree-house. I'm no genius here, but wouldn't you probably want to be wearing some kinda shoe walkin' through a tree-house all day? And how about the book when they had "Trouble with Pets?" Ummm…I don't know if you got the memo, but YOU ARE BEARS!! How can you have "pets"??? You're the pets! And what about your boy Papa Bear? Man was about 11 donuts short of a dozen, if you catch what I'm sayin'. Mama Bear would tell the whole family on one page that they were absolutely forbidden from eating any more sweets…you flip the page, and BAM! Papa Bear is halfway through a bag of "Choco Yums!!" What a moron! And weren't he and Mama Bear taking a huge chance naming that 1st kid "Brother Bear." What woulda happened if that 2nd kid was another boy? They'd have been screwed!! And at least some of the Bear family members tried wearing normal clothes. Brother Bear wore a regular shirt, Papa Bear had the overalls…but Mama Bear was always in that same old blue and white polka-dot nightgown. Hellooo, you are out in public…wearing a nightgown is not appropriate!! I thought I went through all those books, but I must have missed that title, "Mama's Nightgown is Surgically Attached to her Arse." Seems like it would have been a good one...



Share your favorite Berenstain Bears memory here...or drop me an e-mail about the Bear crew at highsockslegend@gmail.com

1 comment:

Aubrey said...

Seems like I just read the next open mic night! Quality material, nice new additions...