Thursday, December 3, 2009

Laughin' It Up with the High Socks Legend...

  • What's the deal with women referring to being pregnant as having a bun "in the oven"?? Isn't there any way they could have come up with a location that is...I dunno...a little less sizzzzzling???? Every time a female drops that phrase on you, it's hard not to picture little fella just absolutely baking inside that belly like a batch of baby hot dogs at 375°.
  • Was there ever a more widely-used and less-understood term in sports than the mysterious "Left Wing Lock"?? The good ole LW Lock was all the rage when the Devils "apparently" perfected the strategy in the mid-90's on their way to a massacre of the Red Wings in the Stanley Cup Finals. In the years to follow, other teams jumped on board and started instituting the Lock, and fans kept discussing it at length like they knew what it was. But to be honest, did any of us really have a freakin' clue what it actually meant?!?? Did the "locking" team decide their main priority was to shut down the opposing left wing at all costs?? And if this was indeed the case, why was that so important? Wasn't the right wing just as dangerous? Why was he treated like persona non grata?? And there was always that strange "is this legal or not?" vibe surrounding the L.W.L. throughout its existence. It was like, "Yeah, it's within the rules to do it, but it's kinda doing the same move in Mortal Kombat repeatedly without allowing your opponent a chance to stand up and recover." I mean, did Slava Kozlov and Bob Errey even bother sharpening their skates and curving their sticks when they knew the L.W.L. was going to be in effect? What would be the point?? Wasn't it impossible for the left winger to do any damage with the "lockdown" in effect?? This strategic hockey phenomenon temporarily took over our lives for a number of years. And the best part about the whole thing...nobody ever really knew what it meant.
  • Pizza places always have those signs and tags telling you, "Our drivers do not carry more than $20." I guess this is done so people won't get the idea to rob the delivery guy when he arrives at the door. They are telling you, "Our man does not even have twenty bones on him. Whatever you're thinking about's not worth it." That's all well and good, but there's one thing I still fail to understand. What makes these pizza joints think that we have any desire whatsoever to rob a guy that is simply trying to give us fresh 'Za??? There are a lot of situations in life where a robbery/hold-up might be warranted, but ambushing a saintly delivery guy whose sole purpose in life is to provide us with delicious pie is most definitely not one of them. The only dough we are interested in is the one laying safely in that piping hot box, so let's end the shenanigans and just make this transaction as simple as possible. Now if the guy were carrying $30, it might be a different story...
  • Do we really have to call it "Silly" Putty?? Isn't that kind of assumed? Is there a more serious version that I am unaware of? It's a big gob of stretchy material that is able to copy whatever you stick it to. We get's silly. Real silly. So chill out with the repetition in the title. Next time, just tell us it's 'Putty'...we'll take care of the rest.
  • Wasn't "Pool Basketball" one of the more overrated water sports in history? It always seemed like a pretty good idea at the time, but it never really lived up to the hype. The rules were constantly an issue. Was it a requirement that you did that weird "mock dribble" when you had the ball, kinda moving it up and down under the water as if you were actually bouncing the rock on a real court?? Most times it was understood that carrying the ball was okay and that this bizarre ritual was not necessary, but there were also those times when "traveling" was whistled, inevitably leading to a bout of splashing, and somebody leaving the pool in tears.
  • You always hear the same names when the topic of steroids in baseball comes up. Sosa...Bonds...Big Mac...A-Rod. But let's not forget our good friend Todd Hundley, who went from middling catcher to record-setting basher in one short off-season. Check out Hundley's home run totals from the first six years of his career: 0...1...7...11...16...15. Sure, his power did seem to be progressing nicely as he matured, but the number to follow in the infamous 1996 season was something from another planet entirely. The newly "sculpted" Hundley cracked 41 round-trippers, breaking the single-season record for a catcher, while basically becoming a walking billboard for performance enhancing drugs in the process. He could have walked to the plate with a syringe sticking out of his backside that whole year and I don't think anybody would have batted an eye. Within two years, Hundley's body was crumbling like a Ritz cracker, and the '98 season saw him hit just 3 bombs in 142 turns at the dish. He did manage to dial up the power again a little bit in the coming years (back-to-back seasons of 24 HRs), but Hundley could no longer play catcher like a real man. He was exiled to left field, and anyone that saw him try to resemble a major league outfielder during those times will tell you that it was without question one of the most depressing sights ever witnessed on a baseball diamond. A pretty sad career, in general, but luckily for Hundley, it is one that seems to have gotten lost in the 'Roids Shuffle.
  • HSL Prediction:
    The record-setting 0-18 New Jersey Nets will finally get their first win tomorrow night. (Even though I am a littttle less confident after the Nets got blasted again last night, giving up a staggering 49 points in the 2nd quarter to the Mavs in the process.) The Nets will be playing at home against the 7-10 Charlotte Bobcats, and let's face it...they are WELL overdue. Now, I'll grant you that Nazr Mohammed and the 'Cats have been playing well lately, winning 4 of their last 5, but still, something tells me the dribblers from Jersey get it done in this spot. Look for Brook Lopez to haul in 15 boards, Devin Harris to go off for 28 points, and for Larry Brown to announce his retirement effective immediately following the most embarrassing defeat of his career.
  • Threatening comment I wish we heard more of. "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you." That's some classic lingo right there. How come it isn't said more often? It's the perfect way of letting someone know (in so many words), "Hey, your input is not really needed in this situation. If I do intend to hear your thoughts on a particular topic, I will let you know by becoming extremely physical and inflicting large amounts of pain towards you. Then, you can give us your side of the story. Otherwise, shut your f#%&ing trap." It's the best kind of put-down because there really is no good response to it. You could say, "Oh really...I'd like to see you try," but let's be honest, that's an empty comeback. You do not want this person to try. They will succeed. And your opinion will never be heard.
  • Quentin 362 minutes (and counting) without a single free throw attempt this season. Mazel Tov, Q-Rich...and we wish you the best of luck avoiding the line again tonight in Denver. Not that you'll need it...

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Aubrey said...

Another streak has ended. Your boy Q-Rich attempted his first shot from the charity stripe last night...and missed! Now you can say he hasn't made a free throw in however many minutes he has played! Best part about this thing, is that he didn't actually "earn" the free throw. He was chosen to take it after George Carl got T'd up. Interesting choice to put a guy on the line that hasn't attempted a FT all year! Maybe that was punishment for losing by 18.

BShoke said...

Great prediction on the first Nets win!