Monday, March 1, 2010

Yet Unnamed Monday Weekend Sports Re-Kap

Hey, did ya hear the great news!?!? According to numerous reports, Joel Zumaya is feeling great and firing BBs with regularity down in Lakeland.

Oh, righhhhhht, I forgot about that.

And in related "I think I've seen this story before" news...

-Jeremy Bonderman is perfecting his changeup and looking forward to a big bounce-back season. You can search the various newspaper archives and find this exact same story written in 2005, '06, '07...well, you get the idea. Wake me up when this guy displays a working pulse or registers a season ERA under four. (Neither of which have ever happened.)

-Carlos Guillen is disgruntled over his diminishing role, ignoring the fact that he unofficially jumped the shark a few years ago and that his right shoulder is now composed of 50% solid muscle tissue and 50% Bisquick Pancake Mix.

-Bobby Seay looks to continue baffling AL sluggers as the Tigers' designated late-inning lefty specialist, even as his bulbous head seemingly increases by 4-5 inches every spring. Seriously, at what point are the team trainers just going to remove his oversized noggin and replace it with an actual pumpkin??

Clutch performance of the weekend goes out to our longtime friend here at the HSL, Aubrey. With the Sunday morning b-ball squad only having four available regulars, Aub got the call and stepped in admirably as has become tradition (his lifetime subbing record now stands at 3 and 0).

Combining gritty D and his usual rock-steady game on O, it was a good day all around for the man that has always been known simply as "Electric."

Now if we all can agree to just forget about that last-minute free throw that went Montross-ing off the backboard, I think we will all sleep a little better tonight.

Big ups, Aub. I see another call-up in the future, possibly to the real thing in Auburn Hills. Couldn't be any worse than...

Ben Wallace.

I've pretty much had it with this cat. The Pistons just finished up a jaunt out West that saw them drop 3 of 4 games to some of the worst teams that conference has to offer. All of the losses were tight contests that could have went either way down the stretch.

And there's our boy Ben, going to the line 15 times over the four games...and knocking down TWO.

Two for mother-f$^&ing fifteen, including a homicide-inducing 1 of 9 effort in the loss to G-State to wrap up the trip!

Hey Coach Kue, perhaps in these last twenty-something games, when the final quarter is about to begin, you can go kneel down by Ben, slowly untie his shoes, remove them from his feet, and hurl them into the upper deck.

Without the proper footwear, you would no longer feel the temptation to put the big fella back on the court.


Problem solved.

Can we get some kind of ruling here on the infant-sized jersey Big Baby Davis has been rockin' this season?

Let's call a spade a spade, people. This man is very big.

And I don't mean tall.

Just wide.

Either call in a tailor and have him readjust this thing to make Baby look presentable, or create some kind of Celtics-styled Snuggie he can wear during games to help hide the excess fat and jelly rolls now spilling out of his green uni on a nightly basis.

I'm not a Davis fan by any means, but that doesn't mean I want the guy to suffocate to death on the court. If there isn't some kind of alteration made to his get-up though, that's exactly where we're headed.

Four straight double figure games for Jerry Stackhouse off the Milwaukee pine. Good for you, Stack.

Even though the Bucks finally had their six-game winning streak snapped Sunday with an OT loss in Atlanta, Jerry still got his 20. But maybe he ought to put the safety on the trigger just a little more often when he's on the court.

In his 28 minutes of play, he hoisted 14 times, picked up just one assist, and turned the rock over four times.

Wait a second...that's Rip Hamilton's stat line!!

Get your own material, Stack!!

Drop me a comment or question at

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Aubrey said...

Thanks for the shout out sir. I'll be going back to the scout team to practice up for the next 'W' I'm needed for!

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