Yet Unnamed Monday Weekend Sports Re-Kap

Not Your Garden Variety 2-Game Winning Streak

With the way the Pistons have been going lately, a two-game winning streak is cause for a minor celebration. After all, this is a team that had recently shown the ability to lose to all sorts of NBA squads. Teams that were struggling mightily, with head coaches about to be shown the door, still had enough to walk into the Palace and get a win (Minnesota, Philadelphia). Teams like the Wizards, sitting at 3-15 and still adjusting to new boss Ed Tapscott, were able to take out the Pistons by double digits. Michael Curry's team was quickly becoming the one you wanted to play if nothing was going right and you wanted to right the ship with a solid win. Hopefully with this much needed, albeit bizarre, two-game run, the Pistons can really start to make some waves in the East.

The win over the Pacers on Friday night proved one thing: the Pistons cannot defend Danny Granger...at all. He went off for a career-high 42. To go with his opening night 33, that's 75 in 2 ballgames against the Pistons this season. Yikes. One thing that has become noticeable since Curry switched to the smaller starting lineup is the inability to keep talented small forwards even remotely in check. With the smallish backcourt of Stuckey and Iverson, Rip Hamilton has been forced to routinely line up against the opposing team's 3-man. Caron Butler torched him for 33...Granger dropped his 42. Somehow, the Pistons are going to have to become more of a feisty, scrambling, defensive team to make up for the mismatches created by the new starting 5.

The Bobcat win Saturday night is that rare win that somehow feels like a loss. Having a 29-point 3rd quarter lead dwindled down to 1 in the last minute, only to pull it out with a Sheed triple, is not a win you go bouncing happily into the locker room with. The little lineup really worked in this game just the way Curry must have imagined it would. Rip, Iverson, and Stuckey all shot the ball extremely well, and each contributed nicely on the glass. It's always nice getting a win over Larry Brown, too. It's funny...normally, when your hometown team wins a championship, you look back on everything about that year with such fond memories. And that 2004 title will always be extremely sweet to me. But with the way LB left the team, and then his behavior during the '05 run to the Finals in talking with other teams, I really hold nothing but sour memories for the title-winning coach. And I know a lot of other Pistons fans who feel the same way. It takes a special kind of guy to be able to win a title in a city, and have those same fans in that city hating you within 5 years. Larry Brown was able to accomplish this rare feat. For now, his Bobcats have lost 6 straight and are the only NBA team averaging less than 90 points a game. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy...

If there is one puzzling thing about Mr. Curry's rotation right now, it is his insistence on keeping Tayshaun Prince on the floor for about 40 minutes a game. Tayshaun has obviously been put into a difficult spot moving to the starting power forward spot. However, with the return of Antonio McDyess, one would think that Tay would get more breathers, so as to recover from the banging he's encountering on a nightly basis. Not the case. In the 3 games since Dyess returned, and Tay moved to the 4-spot, he has logged 40, 41, and 38 minutes. Not coincidentally, he has scored in single digits in all three games, the first such streak for him this season. In one of those games, Prince labored through his 40 minutes while super-sub Jason Maxiell never got off the pine. It is well known that in the last few years, Tayshaun's game has tended to disappear the further the Pistons advance in the playoffs. With this in mind, it wouldn't be a bad idea to try and keep his minutes at a more manageable 32-33, hopefully leading to a fresher #22 come late May.


Everett...Laird...Jackson...Can You Say '27 Yankees?

Conversation overheard at the Winter Meetings...

Yankees Fan: "Yeah man, we just gotta figure out who we want to throw Game 1 of the World Series come next October! C.C. got the big bucks, but Wang has been our best guy the last couple years. And A.J. Burnett might have been the best AL starter down the stretch last season."
Tigers Fan: "With Adam Everett taking over at shortstop and Brandon Inge going back to 3rd Base, I think we might have the worst hitting left side of the infield in the history of baseball!!"

The Tigers have quietly been adding pieces to their 2009 roster in the last week. Understandably, with a team that scored the 4th most runs in the AL last season, defense and pitching have been targeted as priorities. While many in the Motor City thought heading into last year that the team would simply slug their way into the playoffs, that's never been how baseball works. The best teams have potent lineups, no doubt. But while bats can go cold for a week or two, good glovemen usually remain so for the duration of the season.

The shortstop position was not exactly a strength of the Tigers last season. Edgar Renteria had a less than stellar year at the plate, and he wasn't exactly Eddie Brinkman with the leather, either. Normally on a grounder to short, you can start writing the 6-3 in your scorebook when you see it's going to be routine. When Mr. Renteria is involved, you best wait until the play is fully completed before going to work with your 3-inch pencil. Which makes the recent signing of the aforementioned Adam Everett seem pretty sensible. The only thing you wonder is whether the obvious upgrade in the field is enough to offset the drastic drop you prepare to take in offense with Everett presumably getting 4-500 at-bats. Widely considered one of the smoothest fielders in the game, Everett has had trouble staying healthy the last two years, while also struggling with the bat like never before. Last year, in his first season in the AL, Everett hit .213 in 48 games for the Twins.

One thing Tigers fans might be hoping for with Everett replacing Renteria is an upgrade in team speed. With the Tigers ranking last in the AL in stolen bases in '07 (even behind the plodding White Sox), you might think Everett's legs would be a small bonus. However, last season, he stepped up to the plate 150 times and not once attempted to steal a base. For a guy that used to swipe 10-20 bags, it's a pretty surprising statistic. Best case scenario is that he stays healthy, plays about 125 games, picks the ball up at short, and hits somewhere in the neighborhood of .240. Worst case scenario is that he stays healthy, plays about 125 games, picks the ball up at short, and hits somewhere in the neighborhood of .165. (It's scary...but with Everett and Inge's batting averages declining severely in each of the last 4 years, they could become the first SS-3rd duo in MLB history to both check in under the Mendoza line...by the way, plenty of 2009 season tickets still available!!)

The Gerald Laird pickup is notable for two reasons: first, he has a terrific arm behind the plate, and should help Tigers pitchers keep runners from collecting too many thefts next year. Secondly, he is widely considered one of the uglier players in all of baseball. There's an old story floating around that Laird was a great outfielder growing up, until his coach noticed the unfortunate looking melon atop young Gerald's shoulders. "Put this on, QUICK!" the coach yelped, as he handed him a catcher's mask. Laird's been behind the dish ever since. When fans in opposing stadiums next year shout to the Tigers, "Hey You! With the misshapen head!," Placido Polanco can take some satisfaction knowing that he won't be the only one looking up to the stands to see who said it.

As for Edwin Jackson...I liked him better when they called him Mike Harkey.


At Least Our Coach Wasn't The One Wearing A Sweater Vest


Yes, the Lions managed to lose their 14th in a row to continue their magical run of incompetence. But it was not in typical embarrassing Lion fashion. Dan Orlovsky looked respectable for the most part at quarterback. The offensive line did a very nice job all day, and Kevin Smith made plays when he needed to. The special teams were terrific, forcing turnovers and winning the field position battle. However, the defense got carved up when it mattered most and the Colts pulled out the victory 31-21.

Give defensive coordinator Joe Barry all the credit in the world, though, for making zero adjustments during the game as to how they would defend Peyton Manning and company. Anytime you can allow a guy to complete 76 percent of his passes and force zero turnovers in the process, you've done your job as a Lions coach. Honestly, it looked like Manning and his guys were going through the motions for stretches of the game today. When they needed to put a drive together if the game got too tight, like at the end of the 1st half and in the 4th quarter, they moseyed on down the field without breaking a sweat. Admittedly, Marinelli's son-in-law does not have a ton of talent at his disposal. However, I have never seen such vanilla approaches on a week-to-week basis as I have in watching Barry's units this season. Somehow it has become acceptable to get thrashed basically every week by opposing quarterbacks without any accountability by the guy in charge of the group. Really, would anybody object if the Lions hired the guy who played Coach Yost in 'Remember the Titans' to be the D-Coordinator next season. He wouldn't even permit his boys to allow one yard!

Next week, the Saints come to town with their abysmal 1-6 record on the road. Their playoff hopes went up in flames Thursday night with a loss at Soldier Field. Really, if there ever was a team ripe for the picking, it's this Saints club. They have a history of collapsing down the stretch and now there are rumors of in-fighting between Reggie Bush and Coach Sean Payton. Really, how motivated will they be coming to Ford Field next Sunday? I've said all along I think it is just too hard for an NFL team to lose all 16 games in a year. With decent efforts each of the last two weeks against probable playoff teams, I think the Lions finally pull the rabbit out of their hat against the 'Aints. Calling out 31-24 Lions, with a 98% chance that the headline in the next day's Free Press will simply read, "FINALLY!"


Feel free to post your own Lions predictions, along with Monday's newspaper headline, in the comments section found at the conclusion of the article. (Do not have to be registered to post) Or shoot me any other thoughts or comments at highsockslegend@gmail.com

A Little Roll Can Go A Long Away

It might sound like a blanket statement, but a fact is a fact. There is no better precursor to a meal, on Earth, than the rolls at Buddy's Pizza. You get a little basket of these gems delivered to the table, down a Coke or two, and you're full before the Za has even hit the checkerboard tablecloth. They are not quite circular, but more of a long oval kind of thing. This hot number is also the rare roll that arrives pre-buttered, negating any wasted prep time on your part before joyous consumption can commence. Only thing is, can they spare these roles? I'll go with my Dad and my brother Gabe and the waitress will hit us with a 4-bagger of rolls. Four rolls for three men? Buddy's is making these rolls; they ought to know that there is no way that 4 rolls are gonna tide over a group of 3. I think sometimes that they just want to see a fight to the death for that 4th roll, because it's gonna happen at some point. Buddy's also deserves credit for not falling victim to the recent trend in which places will throw in some raisin or black bread to go with the traditional fare. No such shenanigans here...these classic rolls have the basket to themselves, just as it says they should in our great nation's Constitution. You also feel like a member of an elite club when you get the bread because you have to know how to work the system. They really won't bring em' to the table unless you ask for them. When I found this out for the first time, it immediately became one of the five most important lessons I have learned in my 24 years of life. I hope these Buddy's rolls can continue to play their vital "role" in our society...my taste buds are forever in debt.

Yet Unnamed Monday Weekend Sports Re-Kap

Hello, and welcome to the first installment of the "Yet Unnamed Monday Weekend Sports Re-Kap" column. A pretty eventful few days on the December sports scene. You had the SEC title game Saturday afternoon, where John Parker Wilson would try and squash the long-standing belief that it's never a good thing to have a 3-named quarterback for a big game. Big fight on Saturday night, where Oscar De La Hoya would take on Manny Pacquiao and try to beat his first real opponent since Seinfeld went off the air. Usual Sunday bit of the Lions trying to somehow secure a W, with me in attendance for the first time this season. The Pistons had a couple of very winnable games on the schedule, which could mean anything with this group right now. And a very big tilt at Crisler Arena Saturday afternoon with the Fightin' Krzyzewski's in town. Without further ado...

I Always Thought Tim Tebow Was a Great Player...I Just Didn't Realize That He Was Also The Messiah

Can't take anything away from Tim Tebow. Completed another exceptional year at Florida with a 31-20 win over #1 ranked Alabama to win the SEC Championship. His numbers are truly eye-popping. Over the last 6 games of the year, Tebow threw for 16 touchdowns, ran for 7 more, without throwing a single interception. He seems to play every down as if it's his last, and above all, the guy is a winner. But listening to the various commentators yesterday, it was as if Tebow were the only guy on the field for the Gators as well as the only quarterback in college football history to display emotions after a big play. Gary Danielson might as well have broadcast the game wearing a "Florida #15" jersey, doing the Gator Chomp after every big play. Brandon Spikes and the Gator D shut out Saban's boys in both the 2nd and 4th quarters, but during and after the game, it was TebowMania. Not saying the guy isn't an unbelievable player. Just that I haven't witnessed a love-fest quite like that since Cris Carter caught his 1,000th career pass in a Sunday nighter against Detroit in 2000 and Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, and Paul Maguire spent the entire night doing everything short of collectively proposing marriage to the Hall-of-Fame receiver.

Really cannot say enough about Urban Meyer. Might be the best coach in all of sports right now. Took over a bumbling Bowling Green program in 2001, and won MAC Coach of the Year in his first season there. Meyer then moved on to guide Utah to an undefeated season in '04, culminating with a thrashing of "BCS School" Pittsburgh in the Fiesta Bowl. Quarterback Alex Smith was able to parlay that season into the #1 overall pick in the NFL Draft, despite proving since that his talent is more on-par with Jim Druckenmiller than Jim Kelly. Two years later, at Florida, he took the solid but unspectacular Chris Leak and made him a National Championship quarterback. Just a caution to NFL general managers: I'm not saying that Tebow is going to be the top pick like Alex Smith, nor am I saying Leak's game is equal to Tebow's. Just that Urban Meyer has a track record of turning semi-marginal quarterbacks into title-winning leaders...so despite Danielson and many other's undying affection for "Tim Terrific," I think the jury is still out on our boy's NFL future.


The Legacy Continues

Somewhere, yesterday Billy Joe Hobert and Billy Joe Tolliver were smiling like proud papas. The legacy that they so carefully crafted as unmemorable 3-named quarterbacks was clearly embraced by Alabama's forgettable tri-namer, John Parker Wilson. Wilson finished the SEC title game with a pedestrian 12 of 25 for 187 yards with 1 pick. Just the kind of day you'd expect from a triple-naming QB. If you are an up-and-coming passer entering the college or pro ranks, think twice before you make that middle name a permanent part of your title...a world of mediocrity awaits you.



Pistons...A Weekend to Forget

Tuesday night, the Pistons played their best 4th quarter of the season at San Antonio on their way to an impressive 12-point win. Rasheed was on fire from downtown, Iverson did a little bit of everything, and it seemed like maybe, just maybe, the post-Chauncey Pistons were turning the corner. With two very winnable games on the horizon over the weekend following a few days of rest, a winning streak seemed to be in the cards for the 'Stones. Not to be.

The 76ers came into the Palace Friday night with an underwhelming 8-11 record and proceeded to sleepwalk through the first three quarters. The 2008-09 version of the Pistons, however, can sleepwalk with the best of 'em. They essentially took the 4th quarter off, giving up an embarrassing 38 points to a 76ers team that has lacked much explosiveness this year. (26th out of 30 in the NBA in scoring) Obviously, it's one loss in a long NBA season full of ups and downs. But it's a disturbing loss, nonetheless. A 15-point lead late in the 3rd quarter at home to a sub-.500 team is not a game the old Pistons would give up. Nor would the old Pistons allow a guy who many believed to be dead, Donyell Marshall, to beat em' with a late game 3-ball. (No matter how knowledgeable you think you are about the NBA, there is a zero percent chance you could recite, in order, all of the teams Mr. Marshall has suited up for. And if you can, then you have real problems...as well as my full respect)

The Sunday loss to the Knicks was one of those unusual noon NBA starts where there is a good chance one team will come out flatter than Lori Petty and be down 25 points before the first NFL games kick off at 1:00. That team was the Pistons, finding themselves in a 29 point 2nd quarter hole, en route to a 2nd straight sad loss. Some disturbing numbers from the loss.
-The Pistons are now 0 and 5 on Sundays. Who do they think they are, the Lions? Ba-zing!!
-David Lee hauled in 19 rebounds. Our starting frontcourt (Tayshaun, Rasheed, Kwame) had 18
-Chris Duhon scored 25 points to go with 9 assists, while playing the full 48 minutes. In other news, he is in fact still Chris Duhon...not Clyde Frazier, as his numbers might indicate.
-Rasheed Wallace hit 4 of 6 treys in the San Antonio win Tuesday night. The two losses since, he connected on 1 of 9. As Pistons fans, we know a hot night from downtown for Sheed will usually lead to too many 3's launched in the subsequent games. As the legendary Doug Heffernan once said after using two packets of icing on one toaster strudel, "Happy now...Sad later."

The hometown boys have a very friendly schedule leading up to the New Year. Despite these most recent lackluster efforts, I still think there is too much talent here for it to continue too much longer. Rip is starting to break out of his funk for the first time since the trade and Antonio McDyess should be back with the club this week. With 11 games left on the 2008 calendar, I say the Pistons bag 9 wins and head into the New Year all smiles.


You Don't Just Walk Into Crisler Arena and Pick Up a Win...

The Michigan basketball program has not been to the NCAA tournament since 1998. In the time since, Wolverine fans have endured Brian Ellerbe and Tommy Amaker. They've endured exciting, new "recruits" like Avery Queen, Lester Abram and Josh Asselin. I was matriculating there during an especially depressing time. It was so bad that a home win against a mediocre N.C. State team consisting of Julius Hodge and a side of rice pilaf was cause for a riot down State Street. You ended up trying to talk yourself into Bernard Robinson, Jr. as an NBA prospect, saying things like, "The jump shot, ball handling, and court awareness will come in time...the important thing is that he's very muscular." It was not a fun decade of Michigan hoops...until now.

The basketball team in Ann Arbor is finally relevant again. With John Beilein making all the right moves, Michigan took down #4 Duke Saturday afternoon, giving the Maize and Blue their 2nd win over a top-5 team in the young season (Also beat #4 UCLA). Beilein's boys were the aggressors throughout the game, getting to the line 22 times to Duke's 6. The 1-3-1 zone employed by Michigan forced Duke into hoisting up a staggering 33 shots from beyond the arc. Junior DeShawn Sims was the best player on the floor. Pulling down offensive rebounds, getting to the line, hitting 3's...Sims displayed the full skill set on the way to 28 points. Manny Harris played the perfect second fiddle, remaining under control and shooting a high percentage. It was a big win for a program that is almost trying to reinvent itself after a decade of gawd awful basketball. The win over a semi-fraudulent #4 team in UCLA on a neutral court was a nice win. But slaying previously undefeated Duke, after the Blue Devils just wiped the court with this year's Big Ten darling, Purdue; different animal entirely.

Crisler Arena seemed to be rocking for the first time in a long time on Saturday. Not too long ago, it was so quiet that you could clearly hear Tommy Amaker instruct LaVell Blanchard during an offensive possession, "Vell! You are top side, Vell! My turtle neck is too tight, Vell! Vell, I cannot breathe!!" Thankfully, things are much different now in Ann Arbor.


Oscar...You are Played....Sooooo Played

Oscar De La Hoya was dominated by the undersized Manny Pacquiao Saturday night. This should not have been breaking news. "The Golden Boy" last beat a good fighter about six years ago when he knocked out Fernando Vargas. Pacquiao beat De La Hoya to the punch all night long, and eventually Oscar decided he'd taken enough punishment after 8 rounds. Apparently De La Hoya thought that his height/reach advantage would somehow just magically win the fight for him...didn't happen. I've been an anti-Oscar guy ever since he lost the welterweight title to Felix Trinidad in a highly controversial decision, a fight in which Oscar threw exactly ZERO punches in the 12th and final round. He was the Champion, in a hotly contested fight. A real Champion takes the fight from you in the closing rounds. Our "Golden Boy" decided to run and hide in those "Championship Rounds," giving Trinidad the win and title. He was never the same fighter. 31 and 0 going into the Trinidad fight. 8 and 6 since. Hang em' up, Oscar...even if it is about five years too late.

(Sidenote: my older brother Gabe, despite being the most knowledgeable boxing guy you will ever come across, is also the most biased when it comes to his favorite fighters. De La Hoya is one of them. Leading up to the Pacquiao fight, Gabe claimed his boy had only lost twice in his career, despite the five red marks on his record. The Trinidad loss...he got robbed by the judges. The two losses to Mosley...only cause Sugar Shane was on the juice. He concedes the Hopkins and Mayweather losses. It'll be interesting to see which category he puts this Pacquiao beatdown in. I'm thinking it'll wind up in the "conspiracy" bin, leaving De La Hoya's make-believe record at 43-2. Maybe he shouldn't retire after all.)


Tell The World My Story

That was the slogan I scribbled in big capital letters on a brown, paper bag minutes before I was picked up for the Lions game by my boy BK. I have always been oddly jealous of the guys who donned the "paper bag over the head" look as a fan of a crummy sports team. I thought the above quote, taken from Newman in a Seinfeld episode, was the perfect fit for this historic season. I folded it 12 different times and stuffed it into one of my front jeans pockets. Survived the bizarre patting down by the Ford Field security where they basically make you extend your arms outward so they can check under your armpits to make sure there are no weapons there. My left front pocket was practically about to burst with my clever paper bag, but that was no big deal. I was all ready for my big moment. Except that the Lions actually played a competitive ballgame. The sign would not work in a Lions win. The game wasn't totally "in the bag" until under a minute remained, with the Vikings finally securing victory. By then, my dreams of national TV exposure and bursts of laughter from adoring fans in our section were long gone. Maybe I just don't have it in me to wear a bag on my head at a live sporting event. Or maybe being the Paper Bag guy was never really the fantasy I'd built it up as. Either way, the Lions lost and the only thing I regret is not getting a chance to "tell the world my story."



As always, feel free to drop a comment or your thoughts below in the "comments" section...or just shoot me an email at highsockslegend@gmail.com

Out Of My Mind...

Sometimes you go to the well of ideas for the next 2,500 word piece and nothing really jumps out at you. The world does not need another "here's how to fix the BCS" article. The "Lions Road to 16 Losses" stories are so played right now (I'm looking at you, Michael Rosenberg) that I think the Free Press could just re-print the same front page article every day and nobody would bat an eye. Was contemplating the inevitable 35-paragraph breakdown of the Bruce Willis masterpiece "Striking Distance," but that really can't be forced. So in lieu of all that, here are a few things that have been trickling through my mind of late...

Cheese Sticks...Just Keep Doin What You're Doin

As I sit here on a cold, snow-filled, Michigan winter night, I search for the right words to describe this life-changing appetizer. Cheese sticks have done so much for the world and humanity itself. Ever been pretty hungry at lunch, but you feel like that tuna melt and fries aint gonna cut it?? What`s always there for you?? A big group out to dinner in search of the perfect "appetizer we can all share"?? Cheese Sticks shows up again, and it just flat gets the job done. You're under so much pressure, Sticks, and you come through every time.

I know it must be real hard to have that sizzling cheese inside you while a crisp breading is attached to your body. But you withstand it for the pure love of your customers, and I'm here to say "Thanks, fellas." Yea, sometimes your cheese might flow out a little too much and we're left with an empty fried stick, but hey, nobody's perfect and we totally understand. Hey, I dip that empty stick in the Marinara and I'm a happy guy, anyway. Name me another appetizer that can flawlessly interchange the end of its spelling with a simple "X" and get away with it. Admit it, it's just a little more fun when it shows up as "Cheese Stix" on the menu.

Truthfully though, I just want you guys to know how much we appreciate all that you do. Potato Skins, Chips and Salsa, and the depressing new "it" item, Lettuce Wraps, have all tried their best to be the appetizer of our dreams. But only one can lay claim to that immortal shrine: it's you, Cheese Sticks. And for that, we are forever grateful.

(Note to all establishments serving this timeless classic: enough with the bed of lettuce underneath the Cheese Sticks. It's highly inappropriate. The lettuce is usually wet and it's always that weird kind of lettuce where you're not even sure if it's edible. This can ruin the whole experience for me, so please refrain from this unlawful procedure in the future. All of America thanks you.)


Worst Birthday Present of All-Time...Hands Down

There is no debate on this...the worst birthday present ever handed out was 'The Game' that Sean Penn gave to Michael Douglas in the highly underrated 1997 thriller "The Game." I mean, who wants a gift certificate to Circuit City or a new Polo shirt when you can have your own 'Game,' replete with traumatic events of your childhood being re-lived and several near-death experiences?!? Sounds like a blast!

No need to recap the entire film, as everybody has seen it. Briefly, the whole movie centers on Connie (Sean Penn) buying older brother Nicholas (Michael Douglas) this "Game." The game in question consists of a number of hired actors royally screwing up Douglas' life at every turn, threatening his life numerous times, all while he basically has no idea why/how any of this is happening. Of course, there's the classic staple of "all money in bank account is now gone in the blink of an eye for no apparent reason." (Also seen in various forms in Changing Lanes, Enemy of the State, and Unlawful Entry) The movie borders on terrifying and hilarious. Terrifying when people from the Game put on a stunt to mimic his father's suicide. Hilarious when Douglas returns home one night, only to be greeted by a sign simply reading, "Welcome Home, Di#*face." The movie finally culminates when Nicholas leaps off a building, intending to kill himself, only to drop through some breakaway glass onto a giant target and into his perfectly planned birthday party. With my birthday approaching in January, I will be reminding all those around me that the only "Game" I want for the big day is one that involves Reverses, Skips, and Draw Fours.

(We all know how girls can be in selecting movies. Whether it's renting or going to see one at the theater, many females are only comfortable seeing something with the words "Music" or "Lyrics" in the title. Perfect example is my girlfriend Emily. REFUSES to see anything with any hint of action or adventure. I think one weekend we might have seen "Devil Wears Prada" and "Waitress" back-to-back...I'm pretty sure I blacked out at some point. (I think it was during the scene in 'Waitress' when Keri Russell gets yelled at by her husband...oh right, that was the whole movie.) You get the point...any bullets, explosions, or things that "will give me nightmares" is off-limits with my Emmy. Well, I get a call from her one night after she finished watching a movie with some guy friend of hers. I ask her what they watched, expecting to hear something "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" related.

"We watched 'THE GAME'!! It was pretty good!!" she tells me.

I know it's good...damn! After months of chick flicks and Sex and the City re-runs, I found out she finally gave in and watched a "scary" movie, and I wasn't even part of the equation! Talk about one dude warming up the slot machine, and another brother swooping in, pulling the lever, and hitting the jackpot. Not that I'm still bitter or anything...)


Will Tyler Hansbrough wear the Double Zero as a Tribute to his Hero?

When I close my eyes, I can almost picture this exact scene. Eric Montross, laying on his couch in podunk, North Carolina...frozen Tombstone 'Za cooking in the oven, half-full Keystone Light in his hand...watching Tyler Hansbrough on TV with a big grin on his face, thinking, "Enjoy it now, Big Fella. Within 4 years, you'll be averaging 4 points and 3 boards, traded twice, and announcers will only bother mentioning you so as to point out 'there's another 6 fouls to use on Dwight Howard.'" In other words, Tyler, enjoy this Senior season as much as possible.

Who's Got Next??

For all of us non-professional athletes out there, the world of pickup games is where we find our home. But despite the multitude of options at our disposal, one sport will always reign supreme.

Baseball is a hell of a game, but try rounding up 15-16 other guys to join you on a random summer afternoon. Not happening...unless you happen to be reading this from 1963.

Football is always a possibility, but there's always that one guy who insists "Let's play tackle!" and ruins it for everybody else. Thanks, dude.

I guess there's hockey, but unless you're friends with either Wayne Campbell or Russ Tyler, you aint finding a decent game.

Pickup basketball is, and always will be, the go-to sport for us amateurs. You just grab your Sneaks, maybe a buddy or two, head to the court, and you could be in a real-life game in mere moments. However, once you step out on that court, the possibilities are endless...and that's not always a good thing. Let's delve deeper...


The Girl: Ok, we get it. You are a girl. That likes to play basketball. With guys. We are not impressed. At all. As a matter of fact, and I think I'm safely speaking for all other guys on the planet here...we despise you. Now you might think my main gripe is with the skill level of aforementioned chick baller. Not the case at all. Don't get me wrong, they are usually awful. AWFUL. Won't take a shot...can't make one if they do.

But hey, I've played with plenty of bad ballplayers before. That's not the worst thing about this "player." The absolute worst thing about going against them is that while we gentlemen take to the court with our perfectly normal human hands, the females in question have decided they would like to compete in our games with fingernails that would make Edward Scissorhands jealous. Seriously ladies, what are you doing before heading out to the gym? Going to your manicurist, sitting in the chair, and proclaiming, "Just make em as long and sharp as humanly possible." Why not just go the whole 9 yards and replace your hands with actual hooks? It would probably help your shooting percentage.

Now I know full well when I go out to play basketball, I might roll an ankle or take a stray elbow. Part of the game. But nowhere in my contract did I see anything about getting scratched and clawed, usually to the point of drawing blood. If there's that much contact and it's getting that physical with a girl, I usually expect to be a LOT happier when it's all over.


Sweatshirt Guy: Obviously, we are all aware that when stepping onto the court for a little roundball, our heart rate will go up and a workout will be had. The game requires you to run and jump. These activities in turn naturally produce some perspiration, or in the case of my brother Sam, a LOT of perspiration. Which makes this "Sweatshirt Guy" character all the more puzzling.

This is a game already jammed with movement and exercise. There is no need for you to try and burn those extra 35 calories by stuffing yourself into some horrible sweatshirt just so you can "get a real good sweat goin." And does your sweatshirt ALWAYS have to be gray? Do you take some kind of sick pride in your treasured hoodie being divided into two distinct halves? One, the original gray color you started with...the other, now a much darker, sadder shade of gray, swimming in your sweat for all the world to see. I'm not bagging on guys for sweating...that's a natural part of playin the game. But why do everything in your power to be as hot and uncomfortable as possible? "Sweatshirt Guy" on the basketball court is the same as the dude getting ready to step on a plane for a 6-hour flight wearing a turtle neck, tight jeans, and high heels...it's wrong in a lot of ways, and we're all a little bit scared of you.

(PS...there is one exception to the "Sweatshirt Guy" rule. This being that the sweatshirt in question is one of those that says, "Basketball is Life...the Rest is Just Details" with the basketball sitting on a stack of books. Only exception.)


Guy who is Too Tall- Most pickup basketball games that I've been a part of usually consist of a bunch of guys ranging not only in skill, but in height. You might get an Earl Boykins (5'5) checking in...couple of Chris Paul 6-footers, maybe a few in that Ben Gordon-Gary Payton (6'3-6'4) territory. All well and good. Split up the teams, let's dance. But nope, wait a second...here comes that big, lanky, pseudo 7-footer lookin like Jonathan Bender, loping into the gym to take all the fun out of the day. (And with the way Bender's NBA "career" fizzled, it probably is him joining your game)

I think there's got to be a rule enacted to prevent these walking Redwoods from disrupting the sanctity of our competitions. If you're over 6'6, you must bring a friend with you of equal or greater height. That way, you mooks can spend the afternoon bouncing off one another and none of us get caught in the crossfire. How lame is it when you have a bunch of guys around the same vertical limit, and there's one monster 8 inches taller camped under the rim all day collecting offensive boards by the dozen? With this "buddy system," we will not have this problem and you beanpoles can keep playing peacefully without all of us resenting your presence and wishing horrible thoughts on you. Glad we got that settled.


"Let's Play Zone" Guy: Jim Boeheim...John Chaney...Jerry Tarkanian...all men experienced in teaching and executing a legitimate zone defense. Then there is you, 'Zone Guy.' You've decided that checking your opponent one-on-one is now out of the question. Instead, you have chosen to focus your energies on convincing everyone else on your squad to "go zone." This has never worked out in the history of pickup basketball games. What ends up happening is the two shortest guys go stand near the top of the key, one on each elbow, and the three other guys roam aimlessly from the paint to the corner. Boxing out becomes optional. Open shots are handed out like free samples at Costco.

It's never been a good idea, and it never will be. Part of the honor in pickup ball is matching up with somebody at the beginning of the game and trying to shut that guy down. Suggesting the switch to Zone D is embarrassing for you...and your family.


Guy That Can't just Check the Ball like a Normal Human Being:
Checking the ball before putting it in play is a simple exercise. I have the ball at the top of the key. I toss it you. You give it back. The sequence is done, the game continues, and the Earth keeps rotating. But this guy finds the whole situation too much to handle.

The pass back and forth should not be a complicated exchange. Either a soft chest pass, maybe an underhand flip, or a bounce pass are all excellent options. But this guy takes it as his opportunity to show the world that he can pass the ball with a huge amount of English, getting it back to you with more sidespin than a Joakim Noah free throw. And what about the guy who, before checking it back to you, decides he needs to turn around and make sure every single player on his team is in perfect guarding position for the upcoming possession? Yo Dog...it's a bunch of hacks at the JCC, 8:00 on a Tuesday morning...just hand me the rock.

The worst example I can remember of bad "checking" etiquette was sometime in the winter of 1994. Me and my boy B-Shoke were playin a little two-on-two with a couple guys. B checks the ball to one of these hooligans, and the dude KICKS it back. Seriously. This Sean Landeta wannabe drops the ball and swings his foot forward, sending the ball catapulting forward from two and a half feet away. Not expecting this, my boy can't catch the ball, but just gets his hands up in time for it to crack one of his fingers. Bad, bad times. Thanks, Checking Guy...you have a permanent place in the Hall of Fame of Annoying Pickup Players.


Guy that Just Finished Lifting: Forty-five minutes have gone by...and you, sir, have not come close to making a shot. You have thrown up a nauseating assortment of air balls, bricks, and those shots that get lodged between the rim and the backboard. But wait...you have a perfect explanation for this sickening display of inaccuracy. "I just finished lifting." Lifting what, exactly...an elephant?

Couple rules when you step out on the court: take your watch off so you don't cut me worse than the girl mentioned before...and no excuses when you play like garbage. I admit, trying to shoot the ball immediately after working out can be scary for a few minutes. Takes a little bit for your body to find itself, see how hard you need to be shooting the ball. But when we've been out here an hour and you're still flinging bricks around like Kevin McCallister at the end of 'Home Alone 2,' it's not the lifting. It's just you...you're horrible. So why don't you do Dr. James Naismith and the rest of us a favor? Stop playing this beautiful game, and trek it back to the weight room for another set of Lat Pull Downs. We'll all be better off.


Guy that Always Wants to Play 21: Sometimes it just so happens that you can only round up a couple other guys to head to the court with ya, and then nobody else is there. The dreaded 'Group of 3.' In my opinion, the best option for that day is to just chalk it up and shoot around. Some 3-point shooting contests, take some free throws, maybe a little H-O-R-S-E. Anything but 21. Who doesn't hate that game? I've heard of one-on-one...I've never heard of one-on-one-on-one. I got a lot of problems with this "game."

First off, the rules. There are approximately 986 different sets of rules to 21. Some shoot free throws after a bucket, some shoot threes...some guys have a tip-in take you back to zero, some play with no tips at all. A lot of times, when playing with guys you haven't played with before, you spend more time discussing the game setup than actually playing. It's like when I used to play 'NBA Live 2000' for N-64...had to go in the Game Options before I even played to take down the "automatic replays" meter or else I'd be looking at slo-mos of every Big Country Reeves lay-in for the next 90 minutes. Not sure how good that comparison was...but any excuse to mention Bryant Reeves, I'm running with it.

Second, the game usually develops into two of the guys playing tough D on each other while the 3rd guy just sits under the basket and gets the board. Has this ever not happened?

Last, and certainly not least, keeping score in this game could not possibly be shadier. After a guy hits a bucket later in the game, someone asks "Uh, what does that give you?" The guy kinda tilts his head to the side, like he's actually adding up his points, then arbitrarily says, "Yea, that's 19." It's too hard keeping track of the score for all the guys in the game. At some point, it's not even about who can score 21 points first; it's just about who can "announce" they got 21 first.


Guy that is WAY too Quick in Suggesting "Let's Go Shirts and Skins":
Everybody understands that in a pickup game, nobody's wearing uniforms. You try and familiarize yourself with your teammates before the game to the best of your ability. Hopefully, during the game, you don't slip up and accidentally throw it someone on the other squad. If you do, no big deal. Price of playing with a bunch of guys you've never met before. (And I don't even want to get started on the guy who calls for the ball intentionally when you're not on his team...this is the lowest form of life on the planet) But making an occasional turnover is in no way, shape, or form, reason enough for "Shirts and Skins" guy to bust out this ancient suggestion.

Nobody liked playing Shirts and Skins growing up. Did anybody really prefer to play on the skins team? I wasn't the strongest guy among my friends...not that I couldn't play the game, but I was not exactly Karl Malone physically. I'm still convinced I might have made my freshman high school basketball team if not for a scrimmage towards the end of try-outs when I had to shed my garment and reveal a muscular definition similar to that of Kerry Kittles (or maybe even Kerry Kittles' sister). Not that I'm still bitter or anything.

It's not even the suggestion by "Shirts and Skins Guy." It's how alarmingly quick he makes that suggestion. Just get finished choosing up sides, haven't even shot for ball yet...man is already yelping, "Hey, we'll be Skins!" as he rips off his Under Armour gear and throws it on the bleachers. Exactly how badly do you want to see everyone else's chest, Sir? No wait, don't answer that.


Feel free to post your own "pickup ball guys" in the comments section...or shoot me an email with your thoughts at highsockslegend@gmail.com