Thursday, January 22, 2009

Poorly Named Desserts, Geometrically Incorrect Contraptions, and the Most Annoying Woman on the Planet

Did you know that it is a physical impossibility to close up a pizza box again once you have opened it? What's going on here? The pizza comes, and it is boxed up beautifully. All you have to do is open up that bad boy one time and that top flap will never fit back on the bottom the right way ever again. How do they get it to close the first time?? You always try and jam it down to make it fit, but there is really nowhere for those side panels to fit into. You'd think there would be a little slit or something over there, but no sir. You just end up kinda covering the 'Za with the top part of the box, but you can be damn well sure that it will never close the same way again. There are some very smart engineers and architects in this country, but figuring out a way to ensure maximum heat and quality protection of the pizza after the package has been opened is still a mystery they have not solved. People often ask "Why do bad things happen to good people"? Just like we're wondering here with the "Why is a pizza box impossible to close after first opened" predicament, sometimes there are just no answers. Only more questions.

Angel Food Cake. Is the "food" part of the title really necessary here? When we see the word "cake," we are able to make the distinction that this is indeed going to be food. Whatever happened to things being self-explanatory? And P.S., Angel Food Cake is also the poor man's Pound Cake, which in turn, is the poor man's Sponge Cake.

Doesn't Tea Leoni just bother you for some reason? She might be a wonderful actress, immensely talented. But damnnnnn....she plays some of the most annoying characters in the history of the silver screen. Take "Bad Boys," for instance. She is lucky to even be alive after witnessing a murder by a bunch of drug lords. Finally under protective custody of legendary cops Mike Lowery (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), she basically does the exact opposite of what they tell her to do in order to survive. "Stay in the car while we go in the club to check things out" apparently means "I will get out of said car, go into club, and try to be as noticeable as possible" in Tea-Speak. Nice move. Then "Jurassic Park III" comes along. Yes, she somehow got dumber. Not only does she intentionally land on the island where all the dinosaurs are known to be, she proceeds to use a megaphone any chance she can to grab the T-Rex's attention just in case the big fella didn't hear the big 747 touch down while he was nappin'. Wow. Just thinking about how annoying she was in that movie and the fact that she survived really tickles me the wrong way. I get it, you thought your son may be trapped on the island and you want to help him. Ridiculous, but understandable. But there was no reason to trick the great Dr. Alan Grant into coming along, and endangering his life as well. You are a horrible person, Ms. Leoni, but somehow, you were not done yet. The year was 2004 and the whole country was speaking "Spanglish." Again, you managed to take a fun-loving family with Adam Sandler as the 4-Star chef father, and turn it into an unmitigated disaster. Ok, so your daughter isn't a size 4 and your maid is 5,000 times hotter than you. That does not give you the right to cheat on Adam Sandler, break up a family in the process, and attempt to break the record for "most scenes that made viewers in the theater want to stand up, walk out, and go drive off a cliff." My only hope at this point is that she signs up for a 4th installment of 'Jurassic,' and this time doesn't emerge so uneaten. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he???

Bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, and Tea Leoni...all among the lowest forms of life on the planet. Drop a comment right here, or float me a message at

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