Thursday, October 22, 2009
The deodorant aisle is like the snack aisle. There are a lot of things trying to distract you: pretty containers, slashed prices, and unfulfilled promises. But you gotta stay focused: there's a goal in mind. Some people are anti-war...others are anti-abortion...I'm anti-perspirant. And I've been fighting this battle going on 20 years. (I'm 22 now)
This topic brings me back to a time in middle school when, let's just say I was packing more than a lunch in my schoolbag...I was packing shirts. In the futile battle against sweat, the first line of defense is a man's deodorant. Sure, doubling up on T-shirts and wearing dark colors may mask the damp devils until you can get home. But the right deodorant can put you in a peaceful state of mind and body without worrying...or so they say. Let me take you for a ride down "Deodorant Advertising Lane" and show you the proper path.
Triple Protection System: Okay...I can see where they get the first count of protection. It must be the scent. That's right, I must have forgotten: since the stick smells like "Cool Waves," I can be sure that whatever the thermostat reads, I'll be Cool......Waves. Not a chance. The people at Right Guard better focus harder on the next two levels of protection in order to gain the confidence of me and my dri-fit button down dress shirt.
Clear Gel: Gillette, if your deodorant is in fact "clear," then why must it show up on my clothing??? You must have meant "Cool Gel," right? Because every time I put you on, it seems that the gel is 30 degrees colder than my body temperature. The bottom line here is that gels are useless jelly wannabes...and you know damn well I'm not eating it............................
3-D Odor Defense: Gosh, this statement gets me so fired up...I'm not even gonna start.
Let me change gears: here are some healthy tips to keep you dry...
-24/7: I know a guy who carries a stick with 'em all the time...and I say why not? I look up to people like this...literally. Anyone packin' heat walks tall...
-Not just for under-arms. Yeah, I said it. Wait, people might actually read this...forget I said it.
-Arm and Hammer: It's probably just baking soda...but it works...wonders. Let me be the first to tell you that the search for a cure doesn't have to cease outside the toiletry bag. Take a look in your kitchen. At the household chemicals. Those people at Arm and Hammer have heard our cries...and given us hope.
-Deodorant + Anti-Perspirant: This is the key. It must read "anti-perspirant." Unless you're either a complete savage or an actor from the Planet of the Apes movies, your deodorant has got to give you this much.
-Don't settle on "trial size" sticks for a vacation. I'm here to put an end to the "smaller, economical" version of the real thang. Hell, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't gone through a full travel-sizer in one night. Purchase the full size and turn your worry machine off. You can thank me later.
-Puzzle Pieces: You know what I'm talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't look away...look here. When your stick is kaput and the remains fall to the floor like giant jigsaw pieces, it's time you spring for a new defense and not try piecing it back together. Don't even bend over to pick up your fallen comrades...it's an unpleasant reminder of a broken friendship. There is one circumstance, however, where I can excuse you for using this sorry tactic: you garnish one under-arm, only to see the stick break into pieces before you can go cross-body. Go ahead, I won't look. Pick them up. Just let me know when you're done so I can slap you across the mouth. When it's done...it's done.
I'm sweating. Out.
Sam went through approximately 3.5 'Right Guard Sports' during the writing of this article. We would like to thank him for his honesty...and wish him the best of luck in his ongoing lifelong journey to "stay dry." Shoot me an E-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org