Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Elusive Curly Fries

Who are the Pistons kidding with this Arby's "Triple Double" promotion?

Really, is this some kind of sick joke??

If you haven't watched much Piston ball this year, here's the deal. "Every time a Piston player records a triple double, you are entitled to a free small curly fry at your local Arby's."

Wait a second, did they just say "every time???" "Every time" makes it seem like this is a semi-regular occurrence; not one that has about 0.00003 chance of ever coming to fruition.

And let's just say for the sake of argument that this does happen once this year. You're telling me all we get is a free small curly fry?!?!? That's like telling your 4-year-old that if he sleeps in his own bed for 75 straight nights, you will take him to rent one new book from the library. Whoaaa...what an incentive!! Thanks Dad...ya lush!

You make the qualifications near-impossible, and on top of that, fail to include the words "roast" or "beef" anywhere in the prize package.

Honestly, who on the Stones is even capable of going off for a trip-dubb this year? Here are the only possibilities I see...

Charlie Villanueva: 19 points, 11 rebounds, and 14 defensive possessions where his man backs him down from outside the arc to directly under the rim in just 3 dribbles.

Rip Hamilton: 26 points, 10 assists, and 11 occasions where he leaves his feet in traffic with nowhere to go, resulting in another maddening turnover and easy run-out the other way.

Ben Wallace: 19 rebounds, 12 blocked shots, and 13 missed free throws (6 of which don't even hit rim), making all Pistons fans wonder, "Has this guy spent even the slightest bit of time over the last 10 years trying to improve this horrid aspect of his game?" Long story short; no, he hasn't.

(Sidenote: I hate to harp on it, but Ben has been in the league for 14 years and has never averaged even 50% at the line in any of those seasons. Just to put that mind-blowing statistic in perspective, Shaquille O'Neal has averaged better than 50% in 12 of his 18 seasons. There's just no excuse for never improving even the slightest in this area, Ben. None at all.)

The Detroit Tigers teamed up with Arby's this past summer in a similar fashion, only their promotion was quite realistic. The Tigers needed to jack three dingers in a home game and every fan with a copy of the box score was entitled to some free roast beef. This was a fair deal, and the Tigers obliged with the trio of round-trippers on more than a few occasions.

You'd think the Pistons could have come up with something in that vein.

Like, if they score over 110 points, every fan gets a free chicken finger basket.

Or, every time the Pistons win three straight games, you can go pick up a free vanilla shake.

They could even think outside the box and give each fan their very own Arby's franchise every time Kwame Brown catches the ball cleanly in the post and then follows it up with a legal pivot move that does not result in all-out disaster or major world catastrophe. (Trust me, the Arby's people would have nothing to worry about with this one.)

You made a one-sided deal, fellas, and it makes ya look cheap. Next time, come at us with something we can excited about. Otherwise, just keep it to yourself.

Shame on you, Pistons/Arby's. A 19 and 33 record is hard enough without depriving us of the one simple pleasure we can always count on in this mile-a-minute, upside-down world: curly fries.

Something tells me this is going to be a very long second half of the season.

And sadly, we won't be needing any ketchup along the way.

The High Socks Legend can be reached (sans curly fries), at

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SARAH said...

As the creator of this promotion, I think it is necessary to defend my client and my promotion. The concept of the Instant Three Play promotion was to create a unified promotion across the "Three" Detroit sports properties (Red Wings, Pistons and Tigers) that offered consumers a free item from Arby's when a rare sports moment occurs. We tried to play off the concept of "Three" by making the qualifier a Hat Trick for the Red Wings, a Triple Double for the Pistons and Three Home Runs for the Tigers by a given player. The Tigers qualifier was adjusted to Three Home Runs by the team after we went through the entire Red Wings and Pistons season without giving away any Roast Beef Sandwiches. The Tigers promotion was extremely successful and we had complaints from our Franchisees in MI that we were giving away the cow and that consumers in this down economy were coming in for the Free item only and not buying anything in addition. Due to this we had to adjust the promotion this year to a Free Curly Fry. I completely understand and relate to your frustrations but wanted to shed some light on the promotion itself. I would also like to comment that we wanted to make the Arby's promotion for the Pistons correspond with scoring above Triple digits, however, Fox Sports already has an existing promotion in place with Belle Tire that prevented us from doing so.

Anonymous said...

For whatever the reason, that article just made me realize that I don't have enough curly fries in my life. It was a long time ago when I dated a curly fry and my life just seemed...better. I don't know what it was--maybe the way she used to use hot oil. Or maybe the time she sprang at me when I opened up the bag. Hehe, that always made me laugh.

Oh, and the prior comment from this government agent is troubling on many levels. I love the "3 Home Runs by a single player" promotion...who did they think was on the team, Paul Bunyan?? That thing had less a chance of being hit than the PowerBall. And that is like 1 in a gazillion.