Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You Pay a Price...For Every Slice

(The following is another 'High Socks-Low Socks' production. Read the first installment here.)

(It's a Sunday. There's football on the tube. Munchies on the table. Just a few guys kickin' back for some good laughs and warm grub.)

LUKE: Hey man, glad you could all drop by and watch the game. You know, with everybody being so busy and all, it's hard to find a time we can all hang out.

RUSS: Totally agree. Thanks for having us. Hey, guys like us...we smell pizza, we come a runnin'. (Lets out an awkward chuckle while rubbing belly as if starving). I don't know about you, but I'm really pulling for a hometown victory today. That loss Wednesday night might have sealed our playoff chances for good.

LUKE: I'd like to see them get a win, too. Nothing worse than seeing a good season go to waste down the stretch. How's your family, man? Mark still playin' ball?

RUSS: Everyone is great, thanks for asking. Mark is a bit husky for Little League, but he's still playing. He's actually been going to a hitting coach on weekends...only thing is that the kid's still afraid of the ball. A mental thing, you know. (Reaches for two slices of 'Za at one time...having a hard time fitting both on a single plate. He manages to split and stack them.)

LUKE: Hey Russ, you're a good friend, right? I mean, we share just about everything with each other. Like blood brothers.

RUSS: Of course! Have been since the third grade. You remember the time I told you about my crazy housekeeper? And how she used to massage......well, you remember, right? That's some personal stuff right there.

LUKE: Right, right. I remember that. Now, walk slowly back to the buffet table and place that second slice back where it came from or I'm calling the cops--I mean it--and keep your hands where I can see 'em. (Turns around and runs to bedroom--locks the door behind him.) "Uh, 9-1-1, I'd like to report a double homicide. I'm at home and I just witnessed a guy kill two slices at once---Correct ma'am, the murderer took two slices in the first round without regard for anyone else. For Christ's sake, the guy used to babysit my kids!!!...please hurry."

(Cut to Police Headquarters: Interrogation Room B. The cop lights a cigarette and takes a swig of his piping-hot coffee. His gun sits loaded and ready on the metal tabletop.)

COP: You know why you're here, right?

RUSS: No, sir. I most definitely do not know why I am here. I was just watching the ballgame with my buddy, grabbin' a couple slices of 'Za, and next thing I know, I'm being dragged away in shackles and put in this orange jumpsuit.

You just said a mouthful...literally.

What are you talking about?!?!

Hold on, let's take a step back for a minute. You said that you grabbed a "couple slices of 'Za." You mean that you "Grabbed one piece, put it on your plate, ate it, and then upon completion, went for number two." Right?

Uhh, well, not exactly. See the things is...

NO! (Smacks fist on table, sending vibrations throughout the room.) I don't want to hear stories and I don't want to hear excuses!! Tell me exactly what happened or I'll turn that pretty face of yours into a three-cheese calzone!

Alright, I took TWO SLICES at once. OKAY?!?!? Is that what you wanted to hear?? I was nervous about my pizza quantity, and I panicked, so I snagged a pair! Since when is that such a big f$&king crime?!?!?

COP: Since the creation of a little thing called the goddamned Constitution, that's when!! Our founding fathers wrote that to prevent acts like this. Acts against this country. Acts against humanity.

I've seen people do this kinda thing my whole life. Kids birthdays growing up...class pizza parties...we all did it. Why take only one to start when you know with 100% certainty you're gonna go back for a repeat performance?? It's not about being selfish or being a pizza's just common sense. You understand at all where I'm coming from, Detective?

No kid, I don't. (He takes a long pause; not for effect, but because it just means that much to him.) See, I had a life once, too. I wasn't always "just a cop." I had it all: the wife (Pam), the kid (Tucker), a nice two-story out in Keego Harbor, and just about the friendliest little Chihuahua in the whole world...(now on the verge of uncontrollable sobbing)...we called him Buckles. So anyway, we're having a get-together over at the house one day. No big deal, just a little Faygo Orange, a little thin-crust 'Za, and a few family and friends. We were having such a good time!! (Now losing it completely...) So then my older brother Terry opens up the first box of pizza. And I still remember to this day, he didn't just reach with one hand...he reached with both. He grabbed a slice. And then another. Only, that "other piece" was three slices away. He was (now choking on his own tears) TAKIN' THREE MAN...RIGHT OFF THE BAT!! Just so much much sauce...the plate couldn't even hold all that weight. So Pam notices. She asks Terry to "take it easy...just have one to start...there will be plenty to go around." He just stares at his plate, then at Pam, and then back at his plate. And so help me God, I wish what I was about to say next was a lie, but it's the blue-skies truth. Terry picks up his pizza, all three slices at once, and takes a big ol' bite. Got a little of each slice. Just went and made 'em his own. No way could they be "community slices" again. So my Pammie goes into the kitchen. She's in there about 20-30 seconds, ain't no longer. When she walked back into the living room, everybody started murmuring. I didn't know why...'till I glanced over, and saw my Pam holding our Commemorative Paul Bunyan Hunting Axe. Minute and a half later, those three slices were splayed all over the floor...alongside Terry's lifeless hands. It was the perfect storm of marinara, mozzarella, and mutilation. (Eyes now burning with rage) Terry took his three pieces of 'Za that day. He wound up losing his two hands. That leaves one. One slice that coulda saved his life.

I'm sorry. I didn't know. I promise that I will never, ever do it again.

I know you won't, son. I know you won't. (Reaches under the table)

RUSS: OH MY LORD!! Is pizza cutter

COP: You'll thank me for this one day. (
Revs up engine, strides toward Russ)


If you or anyone you know has ever taken two slices at once, now is the time to get help. Reach me at


Aubrey said...


BK said...

I agree with Aubrey's umm, and by the way there is nothing wrong and I repeat NOTHING WRONG with grabbing two pieces at once. It's actually better this way. You see two slices next to each other, there is a topping hanging over from one to the other. Instead of debating who claims ownership to the topping you finish the debate by grabbing both pieces. And even if it's plain cheese, there's a little bit of extra cheese crawling off the piece next door, do you let it die or do you take the twin with you. You take the twin! And I would not hesitate to take a 3rd piece at once, that may be selfish, but it's about saving the pizza, not about eating.


BShoke said...

Amen BK. As long as you are not taking more than your fair share of pizza, it shouldn't matter how many trips it takes you to claim what is righfully yours.